Thanks, Boobs! You've Made This Decision So Easy!

I recall sitting in the waiting room of the surgeons office, days before Christmas with my good friend, Deanna who had volunteered to come along for moral support.  Of course, one of the main topics of conversation... breasts.  I remember her telling me about a friend of hers who had done a battle of sorts with breast cancer, a friend that had "amazing" breasts.  I remember thinking to myself "I wonder what it's like to have amazing breasts?"

I've never been overly fond of my breasts.  I'm sure that no one would call them "Wonderful" or "Spectacular" or even "Amazing" I most certainly would not. (They are certainly not breasts of "Superwoman" magnitude.)  I would be lying if I did not say that there have been several dinner table discussions between my husband and I about having a "boob job" (prior to all of this cancer craziness, that is!), actually a "boob job" was actually a birthday present one year!  In December of 2012,  I was scheduled  for a consultation with a surgeon.  However,  upon reflection, I realized that  having a "boob job" and running a business 7 days a week probably wasn't going to work out very well and so the whole project was tabled for the time being (and I will admit, I was chicken!).  Looking back on the situation, I have to wonder if I had worked up the nerve to go see the surgeon,  if they would have found the tumor in my left breast during all of the pre-surgery exploration...  I will never know!

Let me explain why I'm not giving any wonderful shouts out about my twins...  The first reason, and ultimately the most annoying of reasons to not like them: the left one never caught up with the right one.  The left one has always been smaller, wimpy!  It wasn't something that I dwelled on, nor did I think about it often.  It was not really a big deal, actually, in normal clothing it's really never been noticeable, except to me. However, in a bathing suit, or a formal dress (such as a prom or wedding dress), it was always a very annoying problem. (Seeing as how I don't spend much time on the beach, and my social life doesn't usually include formal ball gowns, it wasn't an issue that I have encountered often in my adult life.)   All of my prom dresses, and both of my wedding dresses had to be "specially" altered for my "special" left breast... (Wouldn't it figure that's the cancer breast?)  The second reason, I always kinda thought they could have been just a little bigger and certainly just a little bit perkier.  When at my normal weight, in most clothes, they just weren't that prominent.

And my third reason, as if those aren't good enough reasons, my left breast develops a huge, cancerous tumor that completely disrupts my life and threatens my very existence.  I'm sure it's very clear why there is no love lost between me and my breasts.  Actually, this was just news that sealed the deal!  I'll get you stupid boob... you picked the wrong girl to mess with.  Sure, you can leave me no option but to endure months of chemo treatments... but just you wait...  I'll do you one better!

What I'm sure is a very difficult decision for many women, was not for me, or my husband.  I have never had any other plan from the time that this all started than to have a double mastectomy.  And I had good reasons, other than just the fact that I didn't love my boobs to begin with.  Even before the final "It's definitely cancer" diagnosis, I was hell bent on removing both breasts.  I knew it was cancer, and I definitely knew that if I were to battle this once, I was going to do everything in my (super) power to not have to do it again.  I have no intentions of leaving the right breast alone to give it time to brew up some cancer of it's own... TAKE EM OFF, DOC!

I have no emotional attachment to these breasts.  While I'm frightened by the surgery itself, I am not frightened to loose my breasts (of course, that's easy for me to say, there is a highly talented reconstructive surgeon just waiting in the wings to rebuild my breasts!).  Frankly, their threat to my life and my well being is enough to break any kind of emotional attachment, if there had been any in the first place.  And as I go through chemo treatments, my desire to have "them" gone, gets stronger and stronger.  While I'm sure that surgery is going to be no fun, I know that removing my breasts and the tissue surrounding them will (hopefully) render me as cancer free, which has been the ultimate goal all along.  I have been completely committed to this decision all along.  I am completely at peace with it.

Please don't fear... I have no intention of positing pictures of myself post-mastectomy.  Don't be afraid to come back for fear of seeing them, they won't be here.  While I make no attempts to hide my plans, and I will tell anyone who asks, my ultimate goal is to be returned to my pre-cancer self asap!  I will be as honest as possible about my experiences, but there are some things that I'm just not gonna share with the world!