Cancer Should Piss Me Off...

So, why hasn't it?  Why have I yet to get angry?  I've been poked, prodded, I've had poison pumped through my entire body, I've had my boobs cut off (and replaced with hard, evil, painful bumps), and I'm about to be radiated.  I've had more blood drawn from my veins in the last 7 months than most people have in their entire life, and spent countless hours sitting in waiting rooms waiting for invasive tests.  I've lost the hair on my head, my eyebrows, my eyelashes, and everywhere else you can imagine (but not having to shave my legs for the last 7 months hasn't been so bad.).  I blew up like a balloon (thank God that's over with!), and had horrific neuropathy in my fingers and toes... and don't even get me started on my finger and toe nails.   My brain was so twisted around for months that I should not have been allowed to attempt even the smallest of tasks, and I definitely should not have been allowed to speak about anything of significance.    The smell and taste of coffee sickened me for 6 straight months... I mean seriously (That alone is enough to make me angry!).  I should be stark raving mad.  I should be ready to kill.  But, it's just not there.  I can't be angry.  What's the matter with me?  Maybe when I'm done with all of this cancer business, I should have my head examined!

Would being pissed off at my circumstances change them?  Nope.  Would it even be productive?  I kind of doubt that it would helpful at all, so maybe I shouldn't even worry about why I'm not angry.  Maybe God feels that I have enough emotions to deal with, without being angry, too!   Since the start of all of this, I've believed that this wasn't about cancer- it was about something else entirely.  

As I sat on the patio this morning (in my wonderful new rocking chair), drinking my coffee,  watching my boxers sunbathe, I thought a lot about all of this.  This didn't just come out of the blue- I had a dream last night that I was seriously anger with cancer- and I do mean seriously.  I was like this big, giant, angry monster- it was scary! I was consumed, in my dream, by my anger at cancer. I didn't even recognize myself in this dream.  It really shook me. Why is it that I'm not angry?  What is wrong with me?

I don't know that any of the reasons that I came up with are anything that a professional would agree with, but here's what I came up with.  

1.  I'm not an angry person.  I never really have been.  Admittedly, I can get mad (I might even throw something- but don't panic- my aim- not that good!).  But, it's not something that I hold onto for long periods of time- heck, it's usually over before it started.  I've always been this way.  My anger blows over as quick as an afternoon humidity shower in Orlando.  When someone wrongs me, I'm more likely to be hurt than mad.  Am I hurt that cancer has touched my life?  Yeah, I guess I am.  Why did it have to pick me?  But looking back over the last 7 months, I have felt more hurt than anything else about this cancer business.  

2.  I really can look at the way cancer has touched my life and think of it as a blessing- it's not just something that I say to make everyone think that I'm okay. It's difficult to be angry about something when you're constantly seeing blessings coming from it.   Frankly, I'm sure that not even all of the blessings from cancer are clear to me yet.  I really have a strong belief that there will be many good things that will come from my struggles and my challenges.  I can honestly say that there have been so many positive things that have already touched my life that probably never would have happened had it not been for cancer.  

3.  While I was scared out of my mind, I really did believe that I was going to kick cancer's ass.  Once I heard that diagnosis, I did not doubt that I could do this.   It's kinda funny, but in the days of waiting for my results to come back from my biopsy, I thought about dying.  But, from the moment that I was told that I had cancer until now, I have not had one single thought about dying.  All of my focus has been aimed towards beating cancer and being healthy again.  There were times when defeatist thoughts would start to creep in- (mostly in the days immediately following chemo when I felt so horrible) but, I didn't want to think that way, I didn't want to be defeated, and I would do whatever I had to do to get those thoughts out of my head.  I discovered just how powerful the mind can be.  When you're so focused in on overcoming something- you can't be angry.   You don't have the time or the energy!

4. I found myself again.  How could I be angry at something that reminded me what's really important in life?  How can I be angry at something that gave me time for the things that I love- time to write, the ability to spend time with family and friends, and time to do the things that matter to me.  Cancer gave "me" back to me and it gave me time; both things that I was sorely missing.  

5.  It showed me just how strong I really am, and it taught me not to doubt myself.  I can't be angry at something that has re-ignited my drive and motivation and made me once again believe that I can do anything that I set my mind to doing.  

So, while admittedly this has not been pretty business, I just can't summon anger.  And I probably never will be able to.  I just need to let it go and stop beating myself up for not feeling an emotion that's negative anyway.  I'm giving myself permission not be angry!