Saturday, October 31, 2015

Dear Lil Bit





We are extremely excited about our new boxer baby that is coming next week to add some excitement to our home! I will be meeting "Lil Bit o' Jazz" for the first time on Tuesday afternoon and have been busy getting the house ready for a puppy!

When Lucy was little, and before I got insanely busy working seven days a week, I blogged about raising Lucy. Some of the posts were called "Lucy's Take" and through me she blogged about her life and for some reason, I can't stop thinking about it... I think she must have something she needs to tell Lil Bit....

Dear Lil Bit, 

You's has never met me, I'm Lucy! You's abouts to become a member of my well-trained family! Congwratulations! You's gonna be very happy with my hoomans! I wanted to tell you a few tings about your new hoomans and your new big brudder. I's has gone to Heaven, but I'm watching closely over my hoomans and my big brother. They are all very sad that I'm gone, but I could tell that when they heard that you were coming, that they all felts just a little bits better and mommy's even smiling again. Heels der hearts for me, k?

Duke is a fantastic big pup! My hoomans brought him to live wits me and show me da ropes. I couldn't have been happier! Of course, I took my job as pesky little sister very seriously. And I kept him on his toes. He's probably lots bigger dan what you are, but don't worry. He's a very gentle boy and trust me, he's a great cuddler. I know he will protect you and take very good care of you. Heads up, he's not too fond of the delivery people dat come to the house... but here's da thing, they bring presents to the fur people living in the house, so be very excited when you see dem coming. (Mommy has very good taste. I don'ts know what dat means, but dats what Daddy calls it!)

Play with him lots! And make his little nub wiggle again, okay? And if you could, we had sometin' dat mommy called a morning twadition. I would grab a toy and zoom all over the house wits it and make Duke try to catch me... every once in a while, I'd let him win just so his little feelings wouldn't be hurt. Let's me know if you needs help wits dis, k? Da hoomans don't mind it one bit when when we gets all roudy, and you'll see dat there's lots of room to zoom around! It's a very dog friendly kind of place.

And then der's my daddy. He called me "lil darling". I bets he's gonna luvs you bunches too! Daddy drives big trucks, and sometimes I's gots to ride in dem with him. He loved taking me places wits him. Sometimes, he even tooks me to work wits him and I got to meets customers. He has a little brown ting dat mommy calls a wallet... it's always full of green stuff. You can buy yummy stuff with dat green stuff, so if you find dat, gives it to mommy! Don't try to eats it like I did...

Daddy's not too fond of kisses, so save those for mommy! She loves em! I's never understood, but mommy used to say those kisses were like wrinkle cream. It made her giggle, so dats must be a good thing! Daddy will cuddles wits you, just make sure you don't hog his blankets... He will have so much fun playing with you! I just know it! He always turns da knob tingy on da tub too far and gets too much cold water, so if you's stick your little head in der, you can turn da cold water off! His closet is da best place in da house to take a quiet nap, and unlikes mommy's closet, der is always piles of clothes dat make great pillows.

And finally, ders your new mom! I just know she's gonna loves you to pieces and she'll probably tell you she luvs you a bunch! Momma loves to give kisses on da top of da head, and when I's was a little pup, she carried me around a lot. She's gonna be serious about teaching you all kinds of new tings, and she will probably attempts to enroll your little wiggle bum in a puppy class. Do me a favor and don't get kicked out like I dids, okay? She'll be super duper protective and will probably watch everyting dat you do, but it's okay. She's just making sure dat nothin bad happens to you. 

I'm not sure what's da matter wits her, but she uses the phrase "ugh, oh" quite often. I tinks its a good ting, but if you wiggle when she says "ugh oh" she will laugh. She'll probably bang a lot of tings around and be a bit noisy when you first arrive, she dids it to me too. It slows down after a while, if you gets tired of all da noise, just don't be scared when she makes a loud noise, and she'll probably stop! She tolds me its had sometin to do wits beings well justed! She's gonna spends lots of time making sure you're well justed too...

She's da best mommy ever! We had all kinds of adventures together, and when she looked at me, her eyes sparkled. You'll see it too, and she'll love you dat way too. We're her fur kids, and she's convinced that we are hoomans in beautiful, furry, little bodies. She'll take you all kinds of places, and you'll probably meets all of my boxer aunts.... ders a bunch of dem! Don't worry, you'll get used to her driving, it may just takes you a while. It's probably best not to watch.

Mommy can be a little bit bonkers about food and what da fur kids are eating. Several months ago she started making Duke and I veggie smoothies. I know what you're tinking... ICK! But, gives it a try. It makes her very happy when us babies eat our veggies. It'll grow on you, don'ts worry! 

She likes for da fur kids to keep her company and won't mind its one bit if you help wits da laundry, the yard work and da cleaning. Oh, and she needs supervision when making da bed. You's gots to curl up in da blankets when day comes out of da dryer to keep em warm, k? And da bed just won't looks right if you don't steal da blankets from her. And you haves to roll around in dem too. Whens you do dis, you'll probably gets a treat... den she'll close da bedroom door and you'll be stucks on da wrong side. I don'ts know why she hasn't figured out dat dis is not how it's sposed to work. Maybe you cans teach her.

 Finally ders her love of taking pictures of us. You'll see me all overs da house! Just look really cute quick and she'll let you get on with whats ever it was dat you were doing. I'm sure dat you'll figure it out! I gots da hang of it quick! Don'ts worry too much about its, my hoomans are pretty easy going peoples, and I just know you're gonna love dem! 

Tanks you for looking out for dem and making dem smile agains! 

--Lucy Lou Bugga Boo (Aren't  you glads you didn't get dat name?)

 

 

Friday, October 30, 2015

Don't Get In Line Just Yet...


This was always one of my favorite pictures of Lucy, because she seemed completely oblivious to the fact that she had a monkey on her back! This picture came to my mind when I was thinking about this post! I guess my Lucy will always inspire me!

So, the other day, someone who shall remain nameless, said to me, "I love you to death, but I just don't get it. How, just how, with all of the crap that has been thrown your way are you still smiling? Sometimes, I just wanna smack the crap out of you." Before any of you, my loyal followers and friends get in line, let me explain a few things. And let me also say that the person who made this comment to me is not buried in my back yard...

I am human. I do have bad days just like the rest of you. I know, maybe it does not seem that way to those who are looking in from the outside. But, I swear to you, I do! I get down sometimes and sometimes I scream a little bit, cry, kick things, and curse and then I pretty much move on. I don't really know where it comes from sometimes.

Frankly, it's a bit shocking to me that the hand of cards I'm playing doesn't frustrate the living crap out of me! Because my life, is nothing like it was before cancer. I know my brain is still in there, it's what is holding my head up, but most of the time when I really need it, it is nowhere to be found. As if that is not enough, there's this lymphatic problem brought on by chemo, surgery and radiation. I try not to dwell on it, but I will tell you that there are days when it is so painful I can barely stand it, so I just try to keep busy and occupy my mind (which is a challenge in itself). On top of that, I have not had a good nights sleep in over two years.

If anyone tells you that having your boobs, and all of the muscle and tissue around them, cut off your body isn't going to hurt for a long time, they are yanking your chain and I've got a really amazing ocean in the middle of the United States that I will sell you for a steal...While I've clearly come a long way, there are still a lot of things that I cannot do. If you are thinking, "she probably tries", you would be right. I do. I have a hard time accepting that I can't do something. But, I pay and sometimes quite dearly.

Some days, I have no idea where the smiles come from. Yes, being a boxer mom helps. It's hard not to smile when you are living with clowns that can wiggle so hard they fall over... But, there is more to it than that because even though I've lost my little sunshine, Lucy, I can still find a reason to smile. Actually, as odd as it was, in the moments that I said goodbye to Lucy, touching her head, I smiled.

I can't honestly admit that challenges do not float my boat. God has certainly given me enough of them in the last couple of years, so maybe I just flourish under pressure. But, really? I'm not going to say that isn't a part of it, but if I had to wager a guess, I would say that my smiles are coming from something a little bit deeper than that. Maybe I had it in me all along but it was buried underneath my skewed way of prioritizing my life.

A cancer diagnosis changes you. While I don't look any older on the outside, mentally I've grown up a lot in the last couple of years. I see a lot of things very differently, and emotionally, I am definitely older and I don't think it's a bad thing (unless we are discussing the 98 year old brain in my head and the ridiculous family bags under my eyes... but we aren't!)

First of all, hearing that there is something thriving in your body that is capable of taking you down in a big way is something that I can't even begin to describe. While I've come out on the other side, there is that constant reality that it could come back to haunt me at any given moment. I could also get hit by someone who has no business behind the wheel of the a car walking into Publix to get that wonderful raspberry delight cake, that I love so much, but really do not need.

However, as long as I am here and not being scraped off the pavement at Publix, I'm not going to waste a lot of my time on bullshit! I've got no interest in being judgmental or critical of people's life choices or decisions. (That is not to say that for some brief moment I don't wonder what you were thinking, I am human!) I do have time to listen and be compassionate and try to understand what you're going through, because after all, it's what you did for me. I will be the best doggone friend I can possibly be!

I'm not really interested in letting the grass grow under my feet. Not only do I not particularly like cutting grass, but starting the lawn mower frustrates me just a tad, and unfortunately while cutting grass used to be therapeutic to me, as you might imagine it hurts my chest intensely to push the lawnmower. (It's okay, I can still pull weeds which is a good thing because those evil spawns have taken over my back yard!) While I won't be initiating any corporate take overs that will make the front page of the Wall Street Journal or adding my name to the list of all of the billionaires in the country, I'm doing things. Things that make me smile and things that I enjoy!

Sharing my life, in a seriously public way, has brought me a lot of joy! Not that my life is overly exciting, and People Magazine won't be on my doorstep any time soon, but I know that my words have in some way helped others. That has been a gift in itself. My blog posts take me a lot of time, some of them get worked on for days, some of them fall right onto the page. But, I always speak from the heart, and I'm always honest. And I know, I get myself in a lot of funny predicaments, so there's that...

At some point, I discovered that I have no desire to dabble in the ridiculous. Actually, the need to get the monkey off my back was overwhelming. The conversation with myself went something like this:

Stop wasting time, get your life together as if you are going to be hit by a car in the Publix parking lot tomorrow and live a little, but live the good life. Live with compassion, empathy and most importantly live with joy. Allow yourself to dine on the milk chocolate of life. Love and be loved, allow yourself the potential of getting hurt. Be a good friend, allow yourself to be a part of someone else's world and care passionately about what happens to them! Revel in the little things. Use your God-given talents and abilities to make a difference in the world! 
And for God's sake, woman, sit still....

So, there you have it. I'm not in myself a corporation, but I've got a mission statement that like all other mission statements before it, will be a work in progress. I know you've read this whole post because you too are probably attempting to figure out how I can possibly still smile... And I'm not sure I have really done anything other than pique your curiosity. I don't have the answer, but I do know that it's a lot easier to smile when you don't have a monkey on your back...




Sunday, October 25, 2015

Twas' Not My Lips You Kissed, But My Soul...

Lucy Lou Bugga Boo


I am the lucky one. For those of you that are aware of the tragedy that struck my life at the end of last week, that may seem like a very odd statement. Late Thursday, in a totally unexpected, and gut-wrenching way, I said goodbye to my darling Lucy.

Unbeknownst to me, Lucy had an UN-diagnosed heart condition. And on Thursday, her big heart just gave out. I was sitting beside her holding an oxygen mask over that amazing, soft little nose and stroking her back when I felt the last breath escape her amazing little body. It was that very instant that I felt heartbreak like nothing I have experienced before. I literally felt my heart shatter. I was not prepared to lose Lucy, and still it seems unimaginable.

My grief is overwhelming. It blankets my soul and my body and I feel a tremendous burden of loss, my body actually feels heavy with heartbreak. I am having a hard time finding anything to do that soothes my hurting heart. I suppose in those moments when I waited for the emergency animal hospital to open, in some part of my mind, I knew that she would not be coming home with me. Of course, I tried to deny it, but her body was so lifeless and so weak. She was not at that moment my wild, vibrant, wiggling Lucy.

It would be my last conversation with my Lucy Lou Bugga Boo. Words poured from my lips to let her know how much I loved her at an even greater rate than the tears falling from my eyes, I honestly do not know how I managed to speak.  My legs were weak and shaking as I realized that she was fading right before my eyes. But, damn it, she would leave this earth knowing how much I loved her and cherished her. As annoyed as I was that the emergency hospital was not open when we got there, now, I am grateful for those last moments with Lucy. I am even more grateful that an hour prior, in a struggle to figure out how to get her in the car, I held her soft little body in my lap and kissed her head at least a dozen times. I did not know then that it would be the last time...

Oh, the hurt...

Yet, yesterday afternoon as I sat reading the lovely notes being sent to me by my friends, I felt a small burst of light enter my body and my mind starting to wander in a direction opposite of my grief. As I sat on my patio, later, with Duke at my feet, and Lucy's favorite toy next to me, a warm breeze came across my body and I felt my soul lighten. Lucy. "Mama, don't cry!"

Five and a half years ago, whether by choice, or whether Lucy forced me to do it, I opened my heart completely to being in love with her, and being loved by her. There was never a moment when I doubted that she adored me, and I was 100% completely in love with her.What a gift it was to be loved by that little boxer girl and to love her right back. My heart has been so full of Lucy induced joy! Honestly, I cannot say that there was a single day that my flashy fawn boxer girl did not make me smile. In five and a half years, there was not a day that she did not fill my heart with pure delight and joy. There are no words...

Just a short week ago, while laying on the couch with a horrible head cold, I woke up cursing because I could not breath. I blamed it on the cold. Actually, I could not breath because I had a 67-pound boxer named Lucy sitting on my head.

Lucy was a gift. I miss her in a way that I will not even attempt to describe, and I know that I probably will for a long time. But, I cannot help but feel grateful for having loved that little girl enough to feel real, honest heartbreak when she physically left me. Lucy will never be completely gone from me, she is a part of me. "Twas not my lips you kissed, but my soul". I did not give birth to Lucy, but she is a part of me, and she always will be. The lessons that my little darling taught me are too many to even write down here. The ways that she touched my life, are numerous.

As I sit here this morning thinking about Lucy, I once again have tears streaming down my cheeks. I am trying hard not to be angry that my time with her was just not long enough because she would not want me to be angry. I know she would not want me to be sad. Actually, if she were here and caught me crying, she would run off to the toy box in that frenzied little way of hers, and bring me back a toy. She would force me to "get silly" with her.

Lucy was my first boxer. I will always be "Lucy's Human". I will forever remain grateful for the five and a half short years that I spent with that amazing, loving, goofy, wonderful little boxer. Yes, I am the lucky one, because she loved me. And I am lucky because I allowed myself to love and be loved by one of God's greatest gifts... an animal!


Monday, October 12, 2015

Do You Wanna Be My Friend?

Recently, I had an email conversation with two of my friends about friendship. The topic of conversation was how hard it really is to make friends as adults. I hadn't really thought about it all that much until I received the email, and then I grabbed a cup of coffee and decided I would ponder it for a few minutes. Because, well, it's what I do, I ponder things. I used to quickly come to conclusions, but that was back in the old days. Now, it takes me a little longer to come to terms with how I feel about things. As a person who has lived in multiple places in her adult life, I certainly appreciate how hard it can be to make friends. But, why is this?

As a young child, the criteria to become someone's friend was not extensive. Will you play in the mud with me and build forts? Will you refrain from pulling my pigtails and not make fun of my secondhand clothing? And if I think a boy is cute, will you keep my secret? Okay, we can be friends! Now let's pinkie swear...

As a teenager, the criteria gets a little more stringent. There's the whole popularity factor and, of course, the typical high school cliques. Don't pretend you have no idea what I'm talking about. You know exactly what I mean. The band geeks, the tech nerds, the jocks and the cheerleaders, the pretty people. Throughout the course of our high school careers, we all fall into one of these categories, and our friendships are formed based on these "labels". (I'm sure that all of these "cliques" have changed since I was in high school, but I'm sure that a majority of my readers have the same ideas of "cliques" that I do. Many of these friendships for me didn't last past high school. We all went our own ways, and did our own things.

Post high school is where we start forming real friendships. The kind that may or may not last past our twenties. We're a little more mentally developed, our personalities are closer to what they will be for the rest of our lives, and frankly, we're just a little more grown up. It was in my twenties that I formed several friendships that I really thought would last me my entire life, but then I hadn't counted on cancer. Yes, I get it, having a friend with a bald head is really a lot to swallow.

And finally, there are our adult friendships. I have learned in the last few years that these friendships were not based on the things that I thought that they would be. My cancer diagnosis brought distance in friendships that I thought would never end, and strengthened others. Our friends in our "adult" life are based on common interests, our personalities, and the kind of friend that we are. We all learn that friendships don't always come in the packages that we think we're going to find them in. Sometimes, our best friendships come from places that we weren't really looking.

Of course, since I always try to be blatently honest, I am speaking from experience here. Recently, I've come to notice that sometimes the "common interest" that brings two people together, can also be the interest that breaks two people apart. Alternatively, sometimes we find that the "common" interest isn't really all that held the relationship together and even when that common interest vanishes, the friendship goes on.

Over the last two years, I have come to care very deeply for people that I really did not know that well previously. But, thier constant support whether it be in the form of a tiny little favor, a kind word, or a laugh just when I needed it most, has made those friendships priceless. I used to think that in order to be friends with someone you had to see them all the time. Well, sure, that it certainly nice, but because of schedules and logistics sometimes that doesn't always work out they way that we would like. As it turns out, just because two people don't live close to one another or see each other as often as they would like, doesn't mean that they don't have an amazing friendship.

I really would have missed out on some amazing friendships if I had discounted people just because maybe I would never have the opportunity to meet them, or have dinner with them. Some days, it's just enough to know that there are people out there that love you no matter what, and it's the added motivation you need to get out of bed in the morning.

Unfortunately, sometimes things have to come to an end. As I mentioned earlier, my cancer diagnosis weeded out my friendship patch. And I guess that is okay, because for every friend I lost, I gained 2 more. I strongly believe that if they couldn't be supportive of me as I went though the most challenging event of my life, that they weren't really friends to begin with. And hey, if you haven't already noticed, I've got a lot to offer as a friend. I'm witty, silly, funny, and I get into a lot of trouble. I've got valuable life experience, I always tell it like it is, and I'm as honest as the day is long. I've also got great fashion sense, and I'm a little bit like Martha Stewart, so I'm always willing to help you pick out paint... So, if you can't handle that.... well it's okay, I've always got Duke. It's not for everyone. We all have things to offer to those that want to be our friends, in sunny weather, and rainy weather.