Can I Just Have Christmas Back?

I will be the first person to admit that in some ways, I was dreading Christmas this year. No matter how badly I did not want to dread it, I could not shake it, and believe me, I tried! This reality greatly saddened me because I have always loved and adored Christmas in an almost childlike way. I love Christmas so much that if it were somewhat socially acceptable, I think I would do all of my grocery shopping dressed like an elf. I cannot wait to start listening to Christmas music and I feel a bit like Clark Griswald when I plug in all of those lights... I would go caroling if I could do so without making all of the dogs in the neighborhood howl like a bunch of hounds. Yep! I love Christmas and to me, there is nothing more magical than the romance of white lights, Christmas trees, and carols.

Unfortunately, my journey towards being diagnosed started in the middle of December. The lights were already up in the house when I had my mammogram and started to face the cold hard reality that more than likely I would be hearing that I had cancer. The bulbs were shimmering and sparkling on the tree in the living room as I battled with the demons in my head that I will forever think of as the "Bad News Demons". The morning that I got the final call from the breast surgeons office, I remember looking all around our home and thinking "It's still Christmas! There is no way that this can be happening!" After all, who gets a cancer diagnosis at Christmas? Seriously, I half expected the lights to all shut down with a dramatic "musical interlude" and the Christmas tree to magically sink into the ground... Because, frankly, Christmas and Cancer just do not go together.

I went all through the holiday season with the lump in my left breast throbbing and making me aware of its presence.I knew all too well that this stupid lump had the power to end my life. (No matter how much time goes by, I will never forget how painful that lump was and I am a person with a very high pain tolerance.) I gave it my best shot, I really should get an A for effort. I tried to push it to the back of my mind, I went to work, helped my husband out at the new store and attempted to make myself so busy that I would forget what was going on. I tried to not think about what was happening and bury myself in all things that were not cancer. But in no way could I grasp what was happening to me. 2013 was a bad Christmas and no amount of telling myself that everything was going to be just fine changed the fact that I knew what was around the corner. Denial is not one of my strong suites... Well, at least not in this case.

By the time Christmas rolled around in 2014, I had undergone 6 intensive rounds of chemotherapy, lost all of my hair, had my breasts and all of the tissue surrounding them removed and replaced with 2  very tiny bowling balls, my lymph nodes in my armpits were gone, and I had six long weeks of radiation. But, I was cancer free! Remission had been achieved. (Actually, I have started thinking of it more like probation which in my mind is a little cool because I have never really been much of a criminal, so probation... Okay, you really are a badass! It sounds better than remission, don't ya think?)

 So, why when I started to dig through the 20 boxes of Christmas decorations was I instantly ill? It had absolutely nothing to do with the dust that seemed to fly around every time I shook something, or the dead lizards and frogs that had chosen to die in my Christmas boxes (note to self: really need to find some other place to store the Christmas stuff, clearly the garage is not that good of a choice in Florida.) I was ill enough to put most of the boxes back and make what I will admit was a half-assed attempt at Christmas last year. I struggled though it, I really did. I put the tree up, I bought presents. I went to Honeybaked and bought a ham. I even made Christmas cards. Frankly, I was just going through the motions. There was not a lot of joy, although there should have been. My holiday spirit was gone, perhaps when chemo killed my cancer, it took the Christmas spirit too? Maybe I was too tired from everything I had just been through, or maybe it was all just too fresh. Its whereabouts were unknown to me, and I had no idea how I was going to get it back.

I remember thinking at some point over the holiday season last year that perhaps this was just the new Christmas Normal. Really? This infuriated me, I am beyond over the whole "new normal" thing. I really hate the word "NORMAL". There is absolutely no good reason why I could not be as happy at Christmastime as I have always been just because I happened to be diagnosed with a little thing called Cancer at that time of year. (Yes, I know, my timing was horrible.) But, I just could not bring myself to do it. It just was not happening, not for me, and definitely not last year.

All year this has bothered me. Cancer has taken so much from me, how could I let it have Christmas, the one time of year that I look forward to with my whole entire being? A dear friend mentioned to me that perhaps I just needed to make new, happy, and wonderful  memories at Christmastime. I could not help but think that she was right. Christmas is the fuel that keeps the wind in our sails all year long. We need that fuel and we need that magic in order to make it through the rest of the year. After a little bit of thought, I decided that I was not only going to throw myself into Christmas wholeheartedly and make a bunch of wonderful new memories, but I was going to embrace and reincorporate some of the traditions that made Christmas so magical for me as a child. And I would accomplish this if it killed me.

So there it was. I knew what the problem was and I had a solution. Let's do this! Go get your Christmas boxes! And I will confess that in those first days of beginning to decorate the house I wished vividly that I still had Xanax in my Arsenal and I opened a bottle of wine much earlier in the day that I would usually admit to doing. As I attempted to untangle 10 strings of red head garland, the killing me part seemed quite viable. The anxiety that I felt was paralyzing.

In the middle of decorating my tree, I remember talking with a fellow survivor saying that I was decorating my tree and trying not to have a complete and total breakdown or a full blown anxiety attack. The more red and green I saw the bigger the anxiety got. Yes, two years after the fact, it is still that vivid in my mind, and maybe it always will be. I cannot quite grasp the fact that I cannot remember why I am in a room or where I parked my car, but I can remember all of the emotions that I endured two years ago? How is this fair?

I did it though. My "Grinch" tree as I have always referred to it is up. I smile every single time the lights come on and I do not hesitate to stop and just look at how beautiful it is every now and then...

As you may have guessed... This story is to be continued. Stay tuned for the details of my "Taking Christmas Back" action plan.

Dear First Family...

Dear First Family,

I's been here in Flo-rida for a littles bits over a month now. Mama thoughts it was time for me to check in wits you and let you know how I'm doin here. So, it's lots like Texas here. It's warm most all of da time and da sun shines lots. I like it's here bunches. Thank you for not sending me to a family in Alaska. Mama says der is stuff called snow der, and if it's colder there than 65, I don'ts tinks I'd likes it much.

I's has been one busy puppy. Mama says it's my job to make sure she laughs. Frankly, it's not dat hard. Either she laughs really easily, or I'm just a big, silly puppy. I'ms is stayin out of trubble. My new big brother has been showin me the ropes, and when I'ms good for a whole day, he'll play wits me. Daddy says Duke is too bigs to be playin wits me because I'm so tiny, but he's very gentle wits me and thanks to my Daddy's teachin me, I know how to play wits da big dogs.

I's in puppy school! It's a ton of fun. We go on Saturday mornings. Just Mum and I. She puts a collar ting on me, and a pretty pink harness and we jumps in da car and offs we go. Ders another boxer in my class. He's very old compared to me. He's 1. Boy oh boy is he bad. I'ms afraid dat his mom is going to send him home wits my mom because I'm so good in class. I don't tinks Duke would like dat much. I sits or lays at her feet da whole time da nice lady is talking until Mama asks me to do sumptin. She says I'm gonna be the class Valy-dic-tryn. I's don't know whats dat means...

I's learned lots in puppy class. But, most importantly, I's learned dat when I wants da hoomans attention, I have to sits. If I want food, I have to sits. If I want to go outside, or inside, I have to sits. You gets da drift. I'm trying to tell you dat I sits a lot. So, now when I meets new people, I sits. Most of da time, I gets yummy treats. But sometimes, da hoomans forgets about da treats and just tells me dat I'm a good girl. Dats okay too. Mama plays dis really stoopid game with me. She calls it fetch. What da heck? Listens to dis, she picks up a toy, I sits, she thows it, I chase it, she yells good puppy, and den I comes back to her, and she goes and gets da toy where she just threw it to. Den she does it all overs again.It makes no sense to me and Duke doesn'ts gets it either.

My new family has a really high bed. For da first couples of weeks dat I was here, Mama would lift me into da bed. Buts, I have grown, and now I can do it all by myself. Der's is no pool here, but dats okay, because sometimes I gets to play in da tub with Mama. Ands I dug a big hole in da back yard! It's doesn't have water in it, buts it's a comfy spot to lay and watch da birds and da furry little tings dat Duke barks at.  Ders is lots of big comfy furniture here, and Mama has it arranged perfectly for me. I can fly betweens da sofa and da the chair. Mama laughs when I do dis, so it's a good ting. Don't worry. I can also stand on da back of da sofa when I'm too short to spot da hoomans from da ground. Dat works so well!

You should see what I'ms eating here! I get yummy, raw beef and chicken for both meals. Mama covers it in sometin dat she calls a veggie blend. I don'ts know what dat is, but it sure is good. She's given me green beans, broccoli, carrots, and cheese! How bouts dat? Every nights before we gos to sleep, I get to chew on a big, raw bone. During da day, I goes off in search of dese bones, and chew while Mama is working. Mama says dat I have her dream body. No matters how much I eats, I don'ts get fat... She says Duke doesn't have da same problem. I tinks dat mights be bad.

I's have tons of Aunts! And Mama takes me all kinds of places to meets new people. Hey, anytings is better dan bein in dat crate thingy. Mama tinks dat because she puts a pretty red blanket on it and puts toys in der dat I'm gonna like it! No way! I'ms doin a good job training my Mama because if I lay quietly and don'ts run around and try to romps wits Duke, I don'ts have to go in der any more after I eats. Dats was a close call...

Da house is all decorated real perty. Mama made a huge mess, and der was glittery stuff all over da floor for days. Den she puts up a huge tree in da living room. It's all covered in lights and shiny tings. I don'ts mess wits it much, but I don'ts know why der is a tree in da living room. Mama keeps saying something about someone she calls Santa, and tells me dat he's gonna visits me as long as I'ms not naughty. She evens hung up a big sock wits my name on it. I's is hopings dat its filled with yummy tings to eat! I wanna meets dis Santa person, so you can bets dat I is being good.

Mama tells me she loves me a 100 times a day. And she lets me sits in her lap all da time. I especially likes it in da morning when she has her big, fuzzy robe on. We plays all da time. She loves my squeaky toys as much as I do! We go for walks, and we watch tv, and we do laundry! I evens learned how to help makes da bed. I follows her pretty much everywhere dat she goes, she doesn't sits still much, so I's is very busy!

So, as you can sees from my letter, I's is doing good here. Say hi to Kimber, and Mama, Daddy & Grandpa for me! Tells dem day can comes visit, I'ms sure dat they would likes it here as much as I do! Agains, tanks for not sending to Alaska.

Jazzy!