And that folks, Is A Wrap!

Well, I'm done...  (Yep, stick a fork in me, I am definitely done!)  Today was the day that I have been looking forward to for the last 6 weeks, the last day of radiation.  I was a little sad to arrive at radiation today to find out that 2 of the members of my radiation team were at some kind of training and were not going to be there for my last day!  But, hats off to Melodee and Darlene who did a fantastic job of whomping it up as I jumped up from the table for the last time!

I was excited to head to radiation today sporting this absolutely fantastic "Superwoman" t-shirt which was a surprise from my chemo angel... it arrived Saturday and I waited all weekend to wear it today!  And I had wonderful pink bracelets- one for each arm from my best gal pal, and my wonderful cousin!  So, I was feeling pretty special as I headed off for one last zap!  I think that Lucy and Duke were happy to hear that this would be the last time that I headed off for radiation too... even though I'm not usually gone that long!

Almost a Cancer Milestone

I got a little choked up driving to radiation this morning.  I am probably way too sentimental.

Today was my next to last radiation treatment.  Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that I am almost done, but at the same time, I've really enjoyed my radiation team.  I actually look forward to seeing my radiation "angels".   32 times I've walked into that hallway, and said "Morning, Miss Mel" (yes, ya all remember Miss Mel of the "I've never seen anything like that" fiasco) as I was either coming or going.  I am most certainly going to miss my chats with that gang, and will probably find myself stopping in to see them every once in a blue moon.  (I hope that by entering the hallowed halls of the radiation department, I'm not tempting fate...)

So what's next for this feisty little blonde?  Well, I've been studying to take the Florida Real Estate Licensing exam.   I had a goal.  The goal was to be ready to take the exam by the time that radiation was over.  But, as usual, I didn't really factor in the fact that somewhere along the way in this caner journey, I suffered a brain injury or a loss of my mind.  I've been working on this since June, and I was skipping along at a pretty good pace. I was really pretty proud of myself, acing chapter exams like a true scholar! But, then I started to notice that my brain was holding the information, but only for a week after I had studied it, and when I would go back and do those chapter exams, I was flunking them.  It's like it's all new information.   Shit!  Now what?  I don't have that answer, but I'm getting frustrated that my brain isn't ready to play ball.  I'm going to have to figure out a new way to study the information and see if that helps.  

I have noticed that while I'm okay doing things that I already knew how to do, that sometimes I have serious challenges learning new things.  For example, the other day, I found an instructional yoga move that is supposed to be good for breast cancer patients.  I printed it out, and bribed the dogs with bully sticks so that I could lie down on the floor without becoming a jungle gym for boxers.  I grabbed my glasses and the instructions and hit the floor.  That's where it got messy.  I read, reread, and looked at the picture 10 times and I couldn't for the life of me figure out how I was going to accomplish what the person in the pictures was doing.  After about 20 minutes, and several words that I won't repeat here, I gave up.  I mean seriously, shouldn't a yoga pose designed for cancer patients take chemo brain into consideration?  2 days later, I was cleaning up the bedroom and picked up the paper again, intending to toss it in the trash.  Frustrated that something had gotten the better of me, I read it again.  I swear to you, balloons and streamers fell from my kitchen ceiling.  Bells rang!  Lights flashed!  You have got to be kidding me.  How is it that 2 days ago, I read that over and over, and couldn't make it happen?  But, now it's seems simpler that coloring in a circle with a crayon.  

And I know I've blogged about my attention span, but I'll tell you again about what's going on with that just because I like making people laugh, and this story had my physical therapist in tears.  Earlier this week, I decided that I should probably do some laundry.  So, I grabbed the clothes that were laying on the bathroom floor and walked them to the washer.  On my way back to the bedroom to get the rest of the dirty clothes, I noticed that there were dirty dishes in the sink.  Crap, let me just stick them in the dishwasher.  It's that very moment that washing machine dings to remind me that the door is open.  So, I stop with the dishes, and go back into the bedroom for the dirty clothes.  On my way back through the kitchen, I notice that something has been spilled on the floor, so I go for the mop.  Again, the bell chimes on the washer. I abandon the mop.  I walk back into the laundry room, throw the clothes into the washer, and remember about the dirty dishes in the sink.  Walk back into the kitchen, open the dishwasher and start to put the clean dishes away.  And there's the bell on the washer again.  Did I really not turn that on?  Back into the laundry room, but why is the mop out?  Oh, I remember.  Start mopping up the floor and remember that I need to turn the washing machine on.   Finally get the washing machine turned on, and wonder if I remembered to throw the little soap thing in?  Pick up the mop, and start cleaning up the floor when I notice that the dishwasher is open.  Why is the dishwasher open?  And crap there are dirty dishes still in the sink.  And mys husband wonders what I do all day?  Seriously?  When I look at moments like these, I wonder if I am being haunted by the great Erma Bombeck?

I seriously hope that this is going to get better....

I am off to plant the plants that are sitting next to my driveway.  Apparently, I bought them several weeks ago (according to the receipt from Lowe's) but have neglected to plant them.

Take It Back... Or Else

WARNING: THIS POST IS NOT LIKE THE USUAL, FUNNY, WITTY BLOG POSTS THAT I HAVE PREVIOUSLY POSTED.  I'M A LITTLE ANGRY, NOT AT CANCER, BUT AT THE SERIOUS AMOUNTS OF INSENSITIVITY THAT WERE EXPRESSED TO ME THE OTHER DAY, AND I HAVE TO VENT, BECAUSE THE DOCTORS SAY THAT I SHOULD AVOID STRESS AND THAT I SHOULD'T  HOLD THINGS IN, BECAUSE IT ISN'T GOOD FOR ME...  I HAVE COOLED DOWN FOR A FEW DAYS.... HOWEVER, I AM STILL A TAD MAD.

Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but I don't think I am.  Granted, I will admit that I am probably a tad more sensitive than what I was pre-cancer.  I am also probably a hormonal mess (thank you cancer drugs) however, I think it is very insensitive to be critical of the way that other people deal with challenging situations.

In case you've missed any of the saga that has been my life for the last 10 months let me sum it up for you:  I went for what I thought was going to a completely unnecessary mammogram a year ago December 16.  It turned into something completely different.  I was informed by a pimply faced, Doogie Houser type that I definitely had cancer before I could even plant my body in a chair.  All of this was followed by blood work, multiple biopsies, an MRI (that I was sure I wasn't going to live through), another biopsy (that I almost didn't live through), a Pet Scan, Chest x-rays, an echo cardiogram, surgery to install a port... and all of this was before chemo even started.  I had 6 rounds of chemo and spent the next 4 months of my life feeling like I had the flu, A REALLY HORRIFIC FLU.  I lost my hair, my mind, 2 toe nails, and nearly lost 10 fingernails.  My bones hurt so bad that I feared that by the time chemo was over that they would have completely disintegrated.  My hands and feet were swollen and the feeling in them was starting to disappear.  On top of all of this, I couldn't sleep, and food that was good for me tasted like crap.

Just when I was starting to feel like a normal human being again for the 1st time in almost 6 months, it was time for surgery.... Here we go again, right?  We all remember how much fun I had with that.  Can I tell you that I haven't had a decent nights sleep since all of this started (in December of last year, mind you).  Then came the fills and the fun... elephants on your chest, oh yes please!  The elephants had just started to go away when radiation started.  (I'm starting to see a pattern here.  Every time I start to feel normal, the torture starts all over again.)    Almost 6 weeks later, the elephants are back along with sharp, pulling sensations that scream across my chest at least a hundred times a day.  And I know I haven't mentioned it, but I'm so tired!  I am pretty sure that I could sleep for 3 or 4 days without ever waking up.  (I was driving home from somewhere today at noon, and almost fell asleep at a red light- I never know when it's going to hit,!  Not good.)

I've handled all of this pretty well, or at least I think I have, that's what they tell me anyway!  I stared death in the face, yes, I could have died.  I didn't.... and I'm not going to, well at least not any time in the near future.  I've managed to face chemo, surgery, and radiation  with a smile on my face, and a sense of humor that has kept all of my service providers, my family, and my friends entertained for the last 10 months.  I've stayed positive (even though at times it was challenging as hell), and believe me, looked forward to the day when all of this cancer business was over.  I have longed for my "normal" life for the last 10 months, and have done everything "normal" that I have physically been able to do.  The laundry has always been done, the house has always been cleaned, there has always been food in the refrigerator, and I have continued to do all of the purchasing, logistics, payroll and taxes for the business (which I can assure you was not without it's challenges)!

So, when someone tells me 3 days ago that it's time to move on, not "dwell" on it, that everything is back to normal, just because the cancer is gone, I wanted to jump on an airplane and personally choke that "someone".   (Can you seriously be that insensitive?)  Oh, but wait, I can't because I still have radiation, physical therapy, and Herceptin infusions to go to, and I probably won't make it through airport security because I have magnets in my chest.... and I have not yet been cleared to fly, yeah, there's that.  I am so glad that everything is back to normal.

OH
MY
GOSH!

I wish it were that simple.  In a lot of ways, I wish that everything could return to normal, I would probably kill for most everything to be just the way that it was on this day a year ago. Believe me, I never would have chosen this for myself had I been given a choice.  I had hair on my head, I didn't have raging headaches 24/7, and my whole chest didn't scream every time I moved.  I could sleep without waking up every 30 minutes to try to get comfortable. I could go out in the sun without feeling like I was going to pass out. I had toenails.  And most importantly, I wasn't constantly exhausted, out of breath, and trying to figure out what the heck I was doing; I could start a sentence and finish it.  I could snuggle up next to my husband, or my dogs without being in serious amounts of pain. I didn't have to consult with a physician to get approval before jumping on a plane. So while all of that sounds wonderful, instead I will be be finishing radiation, going for yet another PET scan, going back to see the plastic surgeon, finishing physical therapy, having another echo cardiogram, seeing the oncologist, and having another Herceptin infusion.  Just for the record, it's not really what I "want" to be doing, but I don't really have much of a choice.  So, if by finishing out the recommended, and prescribed course of treatment, I am "DWELLING" on cancer, so be it.

 I have accepted that my life will never be like it was before cancer, (and I've grown enough spiritually to accept that), cancer will always be a part of me, of who I am.  I will always have to return to oncologists offices, I will always be getting blood work done, and having pet scans.  While I can't wave a magic wand and make everything "normal" again, I am taking the necessary steps to move towards a "new normal" at the earliest possible moment.

Oh, and one more thing.  Believe me when I say, there is nothing "FREE" about my boob job.  Trust me.