I'm Pretty Sure That I'm Being Haunted....


by Erma Bombeck... and although Jen Lancaster doesn't know it, she's helping.  I've come to this conclusion because it seems that every little bit of my day to day existence seems to resemble something from an Erma Bombeck book... (with Jen Lancaster thrown in for good measure!)  I don't have it all figured out yet, but I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be writing a book....

This morning, as I was sprinting to the laundry room for a pair of jeans and a hoodie (God, it's cold in Florida... I think you hit the wrong button....) I realized something.  Yes, it took several weeks, but by God, I think I've got it.  We recently replaced our solid glass front door with an almost solid wood door to increase the amount of privacy in our home.  When we did this, out of the kindness of my heart, I opened the window blind and curtains in the office at the front of the house so that Duke could still terrorize the UPS guy.  This wouldn't be a big deal, except that the windows go almost to the floor, and face right out onto the street.  Let's just that say that typically when I'm running to the laundry room for jeans, I don't have any jeans on and we can leave it at that....

Last evening, my husband and I returned home to an empty laundry room.  Duke is always waiting for me in the laundry room.... ALWAYS!  Panic sat in as I frantically ran from room to room turning on every light in the house screaming for Duke.  My husband discovered him in the spare bedroom, where he had accidentally shut himself in.  The guilt is overwhelming.  What kind of a boxer mom forgets to close all the doors in the house before she leaves so that her children don't unnecessarily spend the entire day locked in a bedroom?  24 hours later and I'm still upset... and I think Duke is very traumatized.  My poor husband spent the remainder of the evening trying to turn off all of the lights in the house so that we wouldn't have to send an arm and a leg to the electric company.  I know in his mind he was wondering why if I had the time to turn on the light, why didn't I shut it off when I left the room?

In a blink of an eye last week, I literally went from having next to no hair, to 20 inches all over.  This is taking some adjusting.  It's really challenging to close the car door without getting caught in it, and it doesn't always occur to me right away why I can't move my head.  (Hey, I've been through a lot!  Give a girl a break!!) And all through chemo, I couldn't figure out why I had so many handbags that weren't shoulder bags.  So, I bought a couple of new shoulder bags.... and now I remember.  You can't have long hair and carry a shoulder bag, at least not gracefully.  And I strive for "gracefully".

Giving a new car to someone who has frequent moments of "chemo brain" mixed with constant "blonde moments" is a lot like giving a huge fire hose to a 5 foot, 90 pound woman and turning it on full blast all at once.  It's been a week, and I still panic every time the "ECO" drive kicks in and the engine shuts off.   My sales rep told me about it, but I forget to shut off when I get in the car.  I've had at least 15 of the these "OH NO!" moments in the last 7 days.  And moving the gas tank from the right side of the car to the left, what's that all about?  Who came up with that brilliant idea.  It should be a law, all gas tanks should be on the same side of the car.  This would eliminate a lot of confusion at the gas station.  They do stuff like this, just for people like me.  My first trip to the gas station was a real riot...  between not being able to remember which side the tank was on, and then not being able to figure out which way I needed to pull in... let's just say it was a long hour.  The night I brought the car home, hubby and I decided to go for a ride.  I look over and notice that the gas gauge is red and in the E zone.  Since neither one of us have a wallet on us, and we don't really want to walk home, we come back home.  I get up the next morning and start the car up... and wouldn't you know it.... I've got 352 miles to empty.  And here I spent all this time cussing out the dealer for not filling up the tank.   It was full, I just didn't know how to read it.

But, never fear.  I am making progress.  I turned the heat on in the car without having to pull over and get the manual out.  And this morning, I figured out how to turn the seat warmers on.... The little red seat icon on the screen... BRILLIANT!  Gotta hand it to them.  It was a stroke of genius...  I still refuse to hit the parking button... I'm just not ready for a car that can park itself.  I'm not sure I ever will be.

Last week, I cancelled my Hereceptin infusion.  Having a right hand that's completely numb just sucks.  Of course, the doctors assistant calls me, and of course, the current drug that I'm getting has nothing to do with the issues that I'm having.  The drugs that I stopped getting 8 months ago must be causing the problem...  and the high blood pressure, debilitating headaches, and severe anxiety... well there are other excuses for all of this stuff too.  I have an appointment with her tomorrow, so this morning I did my homework.... As I'm reading through the fine print of the Herceptin literature I start noticing that a lot of the "Issues" that I am having, are side effects of this drug.... not the other drugs.   Oh, she's in for a long morning tomorrow.  Here's me worrying about a brain tumor, a stroke from my blood pressure and taking meds for anxiety when they're pumping stuff right into my veins that is causing all of this stuff....  What's the matter with this picture?  There's gotta be some humor in this situation too... I just haven't located it yet... maybe if I didn't have a splitting headache....



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