Yowza.... Never Felt a Stretch Like This Before

stretch

streCH/

verb

1. 1.

   (of something soft or elastic) be made or be capable of being made longer or wider without tearing or breaking.

   
   
2. 2.

   straighten or extend one's body or a part of one's body to its full length, typically so as to tighten one's muscles or in order to reach something.

I have always enjoyed a good stretch- who doesn't?  Actually, a good, deep stretch is usually one of the first things that I do when I get out of bed in the morning.  It always feels good to wake my muscles and the rest of my body up.  I haven't always done this, but after a few years of living with boxers, and noticing that this is the first thing that they do every morning when they get up, I thought maybe I should be doing it too!  After all, if the boxers have deemed it a necessary part of a morning ritual, shouldn't it be a part of mine too?  (I'm starting to realize that a lot of times, boxers know best!)

Nothing feels better after a great workout than a really deep stretch.  However, over the course of the last few days, stretching has taken on a whole new meaning to me.  When I saw the breast surgeon on Thursday, she gave me a book of stretching exercises that I am supposed to be doing to regain my mobility and prepare my body for the next steps in this journey.  She encouraged me to push myself if I thought that I could, and said that there is no reason why I can't regain full mobility, and quickly too.  That was music to my ears.  What do I need to do? How soon can I start?  I will attack this problem with a vengeance- in true Superwoman form- I will get past this and as quickly as possible.

Who would have thought that after only a few weeks, there could be so much loss of movement?  Who would have thought that I would feel such agony when trying to raise my arms above my head? (Hey, doc, you forgot to mention this part...) You cannot imagine the impact that removing ones breasts and lymph nodes has on the ability to move your arms. (Actually, there is a rumor going around that a lot of my muscle had to be cut in the whole process, which certainly isn't helping the situation!)  Who would have thunk it?   It really frustrates me that I can't get a coffee cup out of the cabinet without assistance, and the only way to close the hatch on the SUV is to grab a shoe and hit the button (my hubby caught me doing this yesterday, and he couldn't help but laugh at me!  But, it's just not funny!)- I can't reach the button.   I've never had a particularly itchy back, but it would figure that this would be the one time in my life when I would find myself with a persistently itchy back- because I most certainly cannot reach it!

I wasn't given a lot of guidance (okay, I really wasn't given any- other than no shower for 48 hours, and empty the drains 2x every day) as to what I could and could not do post-op. There was no mention of stretching exercises, elevating my arms or weight restrictions on what I could pick up.   So, for the first 10 days after surgery, if something hurt or pulled, I stopped doing it.  I wasn't reaching for things because it felt so darn weird, and you guessed it, it hurt.  I didn't lift much of anything, and I spent no time with my arms elevated. Turns out, stretching to get to things probably would have been okay, and I should have been elevating my arms.  At one point, I called the plastic surgeons office and asked if there were exercises that I should be doing, and I was told "no", not until I had seen the surgeon...

So, I find myself a tad bit behind the curve... but I will get back on track!  Every day, going through the exercises just one more time, holding the stretches just a tad longer, reaching just a little further.  I don't hate these stretches because I know they're the key to my freedom and ability to move, but these stretches do not feel like the stretches that I have grown to love for their therapeutic properties.  These stretches feel wicked; they burn, they pull, and they scream! They make me want to cuss like a drunken sailor (which incidentally, I am very good at!)  It's not that they hurt, they don't, but they sure as hell pull in ways that I have never felt before.  My arms, underarms, and chest do not feel the slightest bit normal (I guess this is going to be another one of the "new normal" situations), and I really miss them.  If you really think about it, your arms and your chest probably don't have a lot of feeling to them in a normal situation.  They're just there, functioning, doing their job without a whole lot of fanfare.  Now try to imagine them with all kinds of pulling feelings, burning sensations, and tingling...  That would be what I am pushing to get rid of...

Every day, things get a little easier.  There are still challenges, but I know that every day, something that was challenging the day before, will become less so, so I will push on!  Besides, in just 3 days, hopefully, I will be saying good-bye to my last 2 drain tubes, and getting filled up for the first time... (What has my life come to?  I'm looking forward to being filled up?  What am I, a balloon?)

Go! Get Out of Here and Stay Out!

Today was a day of bittersweet good-byes.  The place where my journey with cancer started, the place where I heard those 3 terrible words (YOU HAVE CANCER) for the first time, also became the place where my cancer ended, because technically, I am now cancer free.

Today I met with my breast surgeon, and her team for the very last time.  I felt like she was breaking up with me as one of the girls handed my envelope of films.  I was told they're a souvenir, and they are, they are a reminder of what I just fought.   She reviewed my amended (yes, there were errors) pathology report and smiled from ear to ear as she told me that she got it all, and that she couldn't have been more pleased with the results of surgery and chemo, checked out my surgery site, gave me a huge hug and then she said to me, "Go!  Get out of here, and stay out!  I don't wanna see you back here!  (One of the things that I really loved about my surgeon was her sassy, kick ass attitude, and it came out again today as we said our good-bye!)  And frankly, as much as I adore Dr. Kemp and her staff, those words were absolute music to my ears.  I couldn't be happier to be here, in this spot, right now!  I've still got a long way to go (there's the boob-less issue to take care of, and the 6 weeks of rads to kill off any pesky lingering cells, and my remaining 9 Herceptin treatments, but after all of this other business, that ain't nothing!)

I also parted with 2 of my drain tubes today.  Those, just for the record, were not bittersweet good-byes.  But for those of you who endure this after me, just know that having drain tubes removed is absolutely, positively nothing- I swear!  (As is my usual protocol before undergoing any type of procedure, I did a Google search yesterday to find out what  I was in for as far as having those tubes removed.  One survivor wrote that it was so bad she couldn't stand it, and recommended that you should take pain pills 1 hour prior to the appointment.  So, I was a tad nervous about how it was going to feel, but I didn't take the pain pills.)  I still have 2 drain tubes to contend with for another week, but on a positive note- I have been cleared for physical therapy type exercises on my arms and shoulders.  While I have a pretty good range of motion right now, there are a few things that are pulling and that feel a little weird.  I'm hoping these exercises take care of that- because when I go back next week, they're going to start inflating me... look out!

The past 10 days have been a little long, and more painful that I was anticipating.  I had to remind myself at least 100 times that this is temporary, and that pain is weakness leaving the body; believe it or not, that really helped me to think of it that way.  I've obviously got more to do to be recovered, but I'm definitely making progress, however slow it may be, and that is what will get me through this!   There were challenges that I wasn't ready for, but then I am not a person who handles slowing down and taking it easy well.  It's just not in my nature to be incapacitated.   But it is definitely in my nature to adapt to whatever situation comes way, and that is how I survived the last 10 days.  And this house arrest bullshit- is going to make me crazy.

However, I made it, and I'm moving on to the next phase... I survived the surgery, and the rather uncomfortable days following it.  And, my sense of humor is still intact... see?  (If I obey the house arrest rules, there may be a lot more pictures like the one on the left!)

There Will Be Good Days, There Will Be Bad Days, And There Will Be Days From Hell

Sunday and Monday, those were good days.  Sunday, I spent the day hanging out with the hubby and the boxers, enjoyed the sunshine (from an adirondak chair that I got stuck in and had to be tipped out of.  It is impossible to get out of an adirondak chair without using your arms- it doesn't matter how strong your legs or abs are!) and had some delicious Mexican food for dinner. Even though sleep does not seem to be my friend right now, I had a great day.  At this point, I feel blessed to grab 3 or 4 hours and call it a night. It's just too hard to get comfortable.  This may sound strange, but I am dying to curl up in a little ball.  I'm sure that if I tried hard enough I could accomplish it, but the pain of getting out of the ball would probably kill me.  And I really miss dreaming, I can't remember the last time I had a good dream. Funny how we miss the little things.

Monday was another great day, I was full of energy, and feeling very productive.  I did payroll, followed up on a bunch of loose ends and ordered everything that had been pending in my absence.  I drove for the first time since surgery!  And I cooked a fabulous dinner.  I really felt great.  My mom and I took a long walk around the lake.  She's captivated by the bald eagles nests around our development, and a large turtle that she claims is fast moving, but that I have yet to see.  (That reminds me, I need to take my camera down there and see if I can get a good shot of the eagles.  They look so beautiful up there!)  I felt pretty much normal, I actually felt good.  Of course, by Monday evening, I was exhausted and there just wasn't much energy left in me, but I can deal with exhaustion.  I wasn't in pain, just a little bit uncomfortable and tired.

Yesterday, Tuesday was the day from hell.  I didn't even get a warning day, I went straight from feeling amazing to feeling like I was in hell.  (Which was probably punishment for everything I did on Monday.  Just a guess but it was obviously way too much!)  Let me just say that I think there are some things that are of such great impact, and so scary, that they really deserve a mention during pre-surgery consults.  I am talking about my tissue expanders.  Because nothing was ever mentioned to me about how they would feel, I was expecting them to be silent, un-noticeable guests in my body.  I woke up yesterday morning completely unable to catch my breath.  This went on all morning, it was accompanied by a tightness in my chest, right where the expanders are.   I felt almost like I had just run a marathon, the feeling would not leave me.  I almost wondered if I was having a heart attack, but all of the pain was on the right side, and I'm pretty sure my heart is on the left. Turns out this is a known issue with the expanders, some people don't experience it, but most do.  Whew, that's a relief, I thought I was dying.  I've said it before, and I'm sure I'll say it again many times before this is over, as long as I know what to expect I can deal with it.  It's when I'm blindsided, and therefore unprepared that I have issues.  I'm guessing that if they told patients that they were going to feel as if they couldn't breath for 6-8 months, it would be a bit of a deterrent.

As if that wasn't enough of a complication, I discovered another one yesterday, and it's a big one.  I can't laugh.  Well, I can.  But, it-is-excruciatingly painful!  And sneezing?  Holy hell!  I sneezed last night and the pain was so bad, my mom thought I was going to pass out (frankly, I was a little suspicious myself).  I am hoping that these issues are what I would call post-surgery issues that after a few weeks, as my body heels, will disappear.  It's really  going to be a long 8 months if I can't laugh.  I really rely on giggles to get me though the tough spots... and sneezing, well I do that all the time.  My mother decided that all I need to do is grab a pillow and hug it to my chest before I cough or sneeze.  It will work out perfectly as long as all of my giggles, sneezes and coughs come with a 5 minute warning.

Tomorrow I go for my 1st post op doctors appointments.  I will be saying good-bye to 2 of my 4 drains.  There will probably be tears associated with the removal of the drains, but they won't be tears for the drains departure from my body.  I get why I'm not allowed to go out in public.  I have 4 large drains that are attached to my stomach.  I look like an armed terrorist.  Hopefully, 2 of them will be a little more manageable, and a lot less noticeable.  I was hoping that more of them were going to go, but when I called the doctors office the other day, she told me 2 at the most.... boy was I disappointed!  All of that monkey business will be followed by a visit to the other surgeon for a review and an explanation of my beautiful 3 page pathology report.  I've tried my damnedest to interpret everything in that report, but there are words in there that are bigger than my hand, so I eventually gave up.  I look at it this way, she's getting paid the big bucks, might as well let her figure out how to explain it to me in a way that I can comprehend.

Today is should be better than yesterday, I got a decent night of sleep, and  my breathless feeling from yesterday isn't present yet this morning.  As long as I can get through the day without laughing, sneezing or coughing, I think I will be okay.  (Damn, see this is what I was talking about when I kept telling my doctors I was concerned about quality of life after treatment...)

This is Temporary. This is Temporary. This is Temporary.

So, day 2 (Wednesday) goes off without a hitch.  I am pretty much blissfully ignorant to any kind of pain within my body, I am uncomfortable, but for the most part numb.  I can handle it.  Every 3 hours, I grab a Percocet and drift back off to sleep.  I hate pain meds, they make me dizzy and I don't feel very stable.  I've never liked taking them, but I've been lectured about this.  I have to take them, and it's better for me to take them before the pain gets too bad.  So, I take the pain pills.  Getting in and out of bed, or out of a chair is extremely challenging and sends waves of pain through my upper body.  If you've ever tried to get up off of a toilet seat without moving a single muscle in your upper body, you can imagine the challenge that I faced. Go ahead, give it a whirl... (I'm not necessarily sure that advising a recent mastectomy patient to guzzle as much water as possible is the best or most relative advice.  While I understand the merits of the advice, it presents huge challenges.  If it didn't hurt so much to laugh, I would most certainly be laughing at this predicament that I've gotten msyelf into!  So, for now, I will make a mental note, and I will definitely have a good chuckle out of this at a later date.)  There is a positive to all of this crazy mastectomy business, I got flowers!  And they're absolutely beautiful!  (But, no, I wouldn't do it all over again just for the flowers!)

Day 3, is different.  It is easier to get out of bed, and a chair.   I'm not sure if this is progress or if I've just learned how to do it without making those horrific waves of pain shoot through my body.  My legs and my abs are definitely my friends in this situation, and the more I use them to do stuff, the easier my life is.  I still get stuck on the floor, because I forget that I am like a wounded bird without a wing and trying to fly just isn't an option.  But, I am used to being on the floor with my dogs and I forget...This situation, I cannot help but laugh at.  Mommy did an "oops" Lucy, and before I know it, she's wiggling all over the place, and I'm laughing even harder.  Huh, amazing, isn't laughter supposed to dull the pain?  Percocet is still my friend, and the numbing that they gave me at the hospital is starting to wear off, but I still know it's there. because I can't feel my armpits, talk about a weird sensation.  I had a long blissful shower on morning 3, after sleeping 2 nights on my back and straight up, this felt like heaven.  I didn't have a ton of bandages, but those are all gone now, and all that's left is this impossibly sexy sports bra.  As I was getting out of bed this morning, I had 2 hot pains, one left and one right.  These pains will revisit me every time I get out of bed, no matter how much much I use my leg and lower back muscles to pull me up, I am suspicious that these have something to do with the drains.

Day 4, I am a woman on a mission.  I must go to Orlando for my Herceptin treatment.  If I miss this treatment, I won't finish my Herceptin by the end of the year.  Besides, it's on the calender. Little do I know, there is great news waiting for me in the oncology department.  I definitely am feeling stronger today than I did yesterday.  Getting showered and dressed still isn't a barrel full of monkeys, but it's easier than it was yesterday, and every day, I get better and better at balancing like a circus act on one leg to put my pants on.  The ride to Orlando is torture, I am not a very good passenger, and my mother does not like driving in traffic.  Despite the fact that the GPS is programmed with step by step instructions, she still has no idea where she's going, it's like she is oblivious to the GPS.  I could have driven myself, I hadn't had any pain meds for at least 8 hours, but there's this nasty business of raising my arms too far before pains start shooting all over the place. (Just in case I've forgotten, however temporarily, that I've just had a double mastectomy and lymph node removal!)  I am pretty sure the steering wheel would have been just "too far".   

So, we make it to Florida Hospital.  Oh how I hate the site of this building.  Of course, I associate it with chemo therapy, and there isn't much about my memories of chemo that give me warm fuzzy feelings (except for my chemo friends of course).  On a mission to the bathroom, I run into my oncologist in the hallway who is shocked that I just had surgery on Tuesday and am standing in her office on Friday.  She asks if I've seen  my pathology report?  Pathology report?  Me?  No!  Bring it on!  My pathology report is 3 pages of great news, or at least that is what she tells me.  It's clean.  Everything is clean.  There is no cancer left in this body!  (I guess my Dear John letter really got to him!)  As I mentioned it's 3 pages long, and I'm not sure what most of it means, I will wait for the surgeon to go over all of that with me on Thursday, but for now, this news make the pain even more tolerable.  Actually, I managed a little dance, I just had to do it!  This is big!  (However, I probably won't be dancing again for a little while...)

On my way home from the oncologists office, my Cigna Case Manager calls.  I have a love/hate affair with this woman.  She never seems to call at a good time, I'm always in the middle of something, or there is always 15 things going on.  And I don't know for sure, but I suspect she is either a victim of dementia or chemo brain, because she always asks me the same question over and over until I just want to scream.  Friday was no different.  Oh, and did I mention, she's always on the hunt for complications.  She just asks over and over again if I have any complications. I view this as negativity and it makes my skin crawl.  Can't she just be happy that I haven't turned green?  I understand that she's just trying to help, but I've got a ton of doctors, and if I do have complications, rest assured I'll be calling them before I call someone sitting behind a desk 1000 miles away- that's why they're getting paid the big bucks!

Day 5, like an idiot, I decide that I am going to be brave today.  I decide that I am going to go pain med free, I just don't feel like I'm in the mood to be dizzy and disoriented all day long.  Where do I come up with these insane plans?  Must be residual effects of chemo brain that are making me take such idiotic courses of action.  Actually, it was not so bad.  I was highly functioning, but pretty damn uncomfortable, all day yesterday, which made me feel good (the highly functioning part).  I still have all of the same issues, but they're definitely getting better.  I do however notice that the back of my left arm is completely numb including my funny bone.....why do I suspect that the fun is just getting started?  My hardest time of day is changing out the drains.  For some reason, the suctioning hurts like hell, I can really feel it.  I am hopeful that these drains will be gone on Thursday at my post-op appointment.  Every day, there is less and less in the little bottles.  I have a feeling that I will feel a lot better once the drains are out.  There are 4 of them, constantly present and digging into me in weird places.  I made it until 8:00 last night without a Percocet.  Then it just couldn't be avoided, I knew I wasn't going to get a wink of sleep if I didn't take one...  

My cancer buddy asked me if the mastectomy was worse then chemo.  As painful as this has been, and will probably continue to be for several weeks, chemo was worse.  Chemo took over my whole body and just made me feel constantly crappy for 18 weeks, maybe even longer.  This is just pain, isolated pretty much to one spot in my body.  And while I can't do most of the things that I'm used to doing, I know that this is very short term, and that I can deal with it.  As long as I'm noticing even just a little bit of progress every day, I will be okay, I can do this.... I just keep getting closer and closer to the light at the end of the tunnel!

The New... The Improved... CANCER FREE M!

I'm back... And surgery is complete!  I cannot tell you how much better I feel to have this off of my "to do" list.  My husband and my mother laughed at me on Tuesday morning, Rob said I was way to "chipper" for someone heading off to surgery!  Can you blame me, I just wanted it over and done with- and I'm finding it's very hard to be apprehensive about something if you're putting all of your energy into concentrating on smiling, so that is what I did.  I concentrated on smiling.   We had to be at the hospital at 5:30 which meant that we were up at 3:30, in the car by 4:30 and walking into the hospital right at 5:30, and I was smiling, despite the fact that my hubby was drinking a cup of coffee that smelled pretty stinking fantastic and I was not allowed to have any.

There was a little bit of chaos at the hospital.  The plastic surgeon had ordered a block to help me with the pain post surgery.  But, the breast surgeon hadn't signed off on it, and none of the nurses were willing to do the block unless she signed off on it. I can tell you that I was not happy that the first news of my day was that I wasn't getting a pain block.  Then there was an issue with hooking all of my IV lines up to my port.  It just seemed to be one thing after another... way too many chiefs and not enough Indians.

My breast surgeon came flying into the room around 7:45 (15 minutes after we were supposed to be in surgery) with a huge smile on her face.  She always looks kind of like a military general about to storm a country- or a woman with a huge secret, I'm never sure which.   She asks me, "Do you want to see me next Wednesday or Thursday for your post op appointment" (I take this as a good sign, talking about the future means that I'm definitely going to come out on the other side of all of this breast removal nonsense.)  She tells me we're going to talk about my fantastic pathology results and how long I am going to live.  Sure, Doc- sign me up for Thursday, that's a conversation I definitely want to have.

My anesthesiologist's name was Dr. Perky (it would be kinda funny if he was a breast surgeon, huh?  I bet he hears that one a lot! ).   He promised me all kinds of wonderful drugs that were going to make me feel fantastic, and make everything a blur- I was okay with that...  Trust me when I say that I didn't feel a thing.  I remember talking to a nice woman named Mona as she wheeled me down the hall way- she is a breast cancer survivor- 10 years- woo-hoo, way to go Mona!  They wheeled me into the surgery room and I got a good look around, panicked a little bit because the room was such a mess that I was pretty sure I was in a supply closet and not an OR.  Thankfully the anesthesia kicked in before I was able to have a full blown panic attack over the messy OR.  I still don't know if that was in my head, or if it was real, I seem to remember thinking the same thing when I had my 1st surgery, but I'm not 100% sure.

And the next thing I remember was waking up in the recovery room.  I still felt nothing, and I couldn't keep my eyes open, I have no idea how long that went on.  There is no concept of time in a recovery room, it's a wild sway between consciousness and unconsciousness.  My awesome recovery nurse snuck my hubby in once I was able to keep my eyes open for more than 2 seconds and have a conversation with her.  He came with a whole cup of ice chips which made my day- I was so happy to see him and the ice chips- you can't even imagine.  

I was home and tucked in bed by 5:30 which felt really good.  There is just something about your own bed when you've been through an ordeal.  Nothing feels better!  And of course, I was very happy to see my boxer kids.  And, even happier yesterday afternoon when they both jumped up in bed with me, and settled in for a nap.  My boxers are such an awesome source of comfort, and I could tell that they were both very concerned about their mama!  How did I get so lucky?

Today is Day 3, and I'm definitely feeling better than I did yesterday.  The pain isn't as intense, and I'm feeling like I am getting some of my mobility back!  I am hoping that by tomorrow I can say goodbye to the Percocet, but we will see how the rest of today goes.  I hate the way that pain meds make me feel, very drowsy, and a little woozy- not 2 of my favorite feelings.  I was extremely happy to be able to get a shower this morning, and remove all of the bandages- but, I was so nervous to see my incision.  The pictures that you see online are very scary, but my incision looks nothing like that.  I've heard all kinds of stories about women freaking out post surgery. I did not freak out, I did not panic, actually I was pleasantly surprised.  Oh, sure, it's not black and blue yet, and I know it will be, but still, my surgeons did a fantastic job.   It was nothing like I was expecting.

I know that I was cussing as I pushed myself through lunges, squats and all kinds of ab exercises over the last several weeks, but I am so grateful for my strong legs and abs at this point, because I am counting on them big time.  It's my abs and my legs that are getting me in and out of bed, helping me make coffee, feed the dogs, and pick stuff up off the floor.  My abs, legs, and back are very vital at this point.  See, I just knew that was a good idea... but I didn't know this was why!

My Dear John Letter to Cancer...

I dedicate this post to my fellow cancer warriors, fight on ladies.  

We have definitely got this!  We are survivors!

Mary, Tricia, Christina and Katy:  

I love you guys and am truly honored to call you "friend".

Dear Cancer,

     I'm sorry to do this to you, but I just can't do this any longer...

     It's the eve of the day when my surgeons will remove the remnants of you from my body, and there are a few things that you need to hear straight from me.  You attempted to kill me, and  I'm sure you thought you could beat me.  You probably even looked at me and thought that I was going to be an easy target.  I'm sure you had no idea that I would attack you with all of the fervor and gusto that one little blonde could muster.  I have to give you credit, you gave it a good shot!  However,  you weren't welcome, and I was not the easy target you had me pegged for; turns out I was stronger and I wanted it more, imagine that.  I wasn't willing to let you ruin me, and I most certainly had no intention of letting you take the breath from my body.  I found resolve and strength that I didn't know I had in me.  You picked the wrong target, you would not beat me.  I need you to know that you have not won, and you are most certainly not welcome back here.

     Oh sure, you temporarily got  to me, I won't deny you that.  You started with my breast, and then raced to invade other parts of my body. But, as I'm sure you know, my spirit was untouchable and probably your worst enemy until the chemo started.  I know you happily would have gone further, you probably had your sight aimed on my liver or my kidneys.  However,  you became a challenge to me, and I had other plans.  I wasn't interested in your intentions or your stupid goals.  You had to be stopped.  You forced me to take the most aggressive action that my doctors could come up with.  I had to fight back with the same force that you invaded my body and life with.  With every day, my resolve to beat you became stronger, and my attitude more positive.  A positive attitude is your worst enemy!

     I always said that I would never put those toxic chemicals in my body.  But you left me with no choice but to do exactly that.  I'm only 39, I've still got a lot of life left to live, I've still got a lot left to do and tons to live for.  You had to be taken down, your evil intentions had to be stopped.  This was one battle that you were not going to be declared the victor of.  There was no way that I could do anything but fight back against you.
     
    The 18 weeks of chemo were no picnic... Chemo sucked.  I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  I have never felt so awful or so tired in my life, and that's saying a lot.  It would have been so easy to throw in the towel.  It's not easy fighting back when you barely have the energy to stand up, and your body aches like it has never ached before, but I wasn't willing to concede.  I could feel the chemo working on you, breaking you down.  It hurt like hell, and many times the pain was so bad I thought I would pass out, but I didn't care.  Fight on chemo...  I'm sure it ticked you off every time I got back up, dusted myself off and went back for another round with even more fury than I had the time before.  And the smile on my face probably wasn't easy for you to see either.  My smile was my armor against you, and no matter how crappy you and the chemo made me feel, I smiled every day because it made me feel better and stronger and I knew you would hate it.  As crazy as it sounds, I even joked about your being in my world.  I made jokes at your expense as you gave killing me your best shot.  My sense of humor kept me sane.  

    I'm sure you know this, and probably take great delight in it, but your unwelcome presence in my body was so enormous that it could not be ignored, although I did try.  I laid in bed at night unable to sleep from the pain that you were causing me, both physically and mentally.  During the day, I had a hard time focusing because you were so strong.  And I refused pain meds as I wanted to be sharp enough to fight you.   I have never felt anything like it, at times I felt like I had been possessed by something more incredible than my wildest dreams.  You turned my entire world upside down,  you are pure evil.  I will never forgive you for choosing me and my body for your little game.  But, just for the record you have not broken me, actually you have made me stronger, although I know that was not your plan.  I will take my life back, and just as a little "gotcha", I promise you that it will be better than before you and your business.

     I lost my hair, my finger and toe nails are a mess, my brain is cloudy and it's just not as sharp as it was before you chose me.  It drives me absolutely crazy that I struggle to finish sentences and find words.   My sight has gone from bad to worse, and I can't read a darn thing without a pair of glasses.  Driving at night is more challenging than I care to admit.  I am full of weird feelings that were not there before chemo therapy enveloped every last crevice of my weary body. My fingers and toes tingle and my muscles are just now beginning to feel normal 6 weeks after my final chemo treatment.  I have a plastic device implanted in my body above my right breast that is a constant reminder of your existence.   It makes many things very challenging, and some days, causes me a great deal of discomfort.   As if all of that isn't enough, I've got 2 surgeons sharpening their knives to remove my breasts from body, and cut the lymph nodes from both of my arm pits.   But, I'm alive, and at this point all that remains of you in my body is scar tissue, and after tomorrow, that will be gone too!  

     I am confident that my hair and my finger nails will grow back, and just as an added bonus, I'm sure they'll be even better than they were before you.  I can't wait for you to see them!  And just so you know, I don't mind the glasses, they make me look more intelligent.  Those glasses are just one more reminder that even though you've been a part of my life, I have not been defeated.  Where this is a will, there is a way. The tingling and the foggy brain are already getting better, and I'm sure that soon, just like you, they will be distant memories.  You will see, I will accomplish great things.  While the breasts that you found a home in will be gone, I have complete confidence that my new ones are going to be spectacular!  When I look at them, I will not think fondly of you, however, I will rejoice in the fact that I am alive, and I am stronger because of my scars.

     As long as I'm airing my grievances with you, you should also know that I did not appreciate one bit the way that your existence worried and stressed out my husband, my family and my friends.  I will never forget the look on my husbands face when the surgeon told him that you had invaded my body.  He never should have had to worry about me that way, he didn't deserve that and my family and friends didn't deserve it either.  But, I bet you weren't counting on them fighting back too.  They rallied around me and gave me the strength and encouragement that I needed to kick you right to the curb.  We don't quit....  I have never felt more loved than I have in the last 6 months.  I had no idea how many friends I had, everyone was rooting for me!  I'm not the only survivor in this great race, my family and friends are victors against you as well, you have broken none of us- we're stronger than you will ever be.  I'm sure you'll never forget this bunch.  Maybe you'll think twice before you pick your next victim.

     What I have to say to you next is going to sting you even worse than the fact that you didn't kill me.  This business with you has resulted in many beautiful things.  I know that wasn't your agenda, and frankly, it ticks me off to even give you credit for anything wonderful or even anything remotely resembling a blessing.   I can only say that the miracles and the blessings that I am uncovering were in spite of your intentions.  You had no intentions of doing anything wonderful for me.  Your plans were only aimed at destruction.  But, I guess I'm not your typical victim, am I?  You're probably not used to your victims looking for silver linings in your dark, evil clouds, are you?  But that is exactly what I did, and believe me when I say not only did I find them, but I cherish them.

     I am stronger mentally and emotionally than I have ever been.  And as soon as this business with cutting you out is over and done with, and my body has once again had a chance to heel itself,  I intend to be stronger physically than I have ever been.  My body will never again be a place where you or any of your cronies will feel comfortable or confident.  As a matter of fact, it will be damn uncomfortable for you.  Becoming a cancer survivor has been one of the greatest challenges that I have ever faced in my life, and you can bet your last dollar that it has made me tough as nails.  I am a survivor.  I've got some battle scars, and a few remaining scrapes and bruises, but you're not going to be a part of my body anymore.  And while your scars will always be a part of my life and my body, they will never get me down.  They will never make me feel angry, or sad, or bitter, of that you have my promise.   You have already been given way too much attention in my world.  I will bear those scars with great amounts of pride knowing that they made a better person.

     I'm pretty sure by now you've had your fill of me.  You should be tired and weary and thinking it's time to move on, and you couldn't be more right.  I know your influence on my life isn't quite over yet.  I've got several weeks of recovery after they take you out of me, and radiation to make sure that there are no tiny parts of you lingering.  But, that's okay, because I know in my heart that you are almost gone from me, and all of these things are just steps to recovery.  I'm sorry to say that I won't miss you, nor will I be sorry to see you go.   I celebrate you leaving my life and my body, and I hope that I gave you the fight of your life because I certainly put up the fight of mine.

  .  

     

My Brief Return To Old Normal

With the destruction of my little attempted murderers impending, I have been on an urgent mission to embrace anything and everything normal, because I know that my activity levels are going to be extremely impaired for what is going to seem like eternity.  I had to swear (although I don't think I convinced him, or that he trusted me) to my plastic surgeon that I would give him 6 weeks, that I would be a good girl and follow all of his orders for the 6 whole weeks. Actually, 2 weeks, until the drains are out, seems like a good compromise. (I did not agree to his request that I not leave the house during that whole time... can you believe he does not want me to even go to the grocery store? And I can't miss my 2 Herceptin treatments... and don't forgot about filling the new "girls" up.... I can't stay home for 2 weeks unless )

Thanks to my lemon, mint, cucumber detoxes, protein shakes and smoothies, and my intense workouts, the physical condition of my body has improved.  While I'm sure that there is still chemo lingering in the smallest crevices of my body, I'm thinking that I've managed to drink, walk, work a good portion of it out.  My legs feel much more like the legs that I started this whole cancer business with, actually thanks to Beach Body, even better.  I can now run up and down the stairs without thinking twice about it, and my energy levels are pretty fantastic for a woman who has just battled stage 4 cancer and 6 rounds of chemo.  I am constantly moving.  (Actually, I'm having a hard time sitting here to type this blog... I'm pretty wired!)  All of this has been very helpful in this whirlwind of activity that I have been embracing.  (I think the activity is keeping my mind off of my impending surgery!)

My cleaning mode has been activated.  In the last week, I have scrubbed and cleaned more than I have scrubbed and cleaned in the last 6 months.  I have basically been in maintenance mode for the last 6 months, running the vacuum and the steamer on the floors once a week, and just keeping up with the house, but it was time to get serious!  I was astonished by the amount of boxer fur that had gathered on the top of my baseboard... and drool.... I found myself saying at least 10 times, how the heck did that get there?  (Thank you Lucy & Duke for making your mama giggle even as she was removing drool from some very bizarre places!  God, how I love you guys!)  Removing boxer drool is not a challenge to be taken lightly, nor is it for the faint of heart, it usually requires insane amounts of muscle to get it removed from our textured walls!  I swear that stuff is part Gorilla Glue, and can always be found in a pinch when you need something to hold something together.

Last night, I met friends for dinner and celebrated my clean PET scan!  We talked for 3 hours about my cancer adventure, my plans for the future, and our boxers!  Last week, one of my girlfriends took the day off of work, and we spent the afternoon by her pool with her boxers.  I am so lucky to have friends that use a vacation day to hang by the pool with me!

And my big excitement for the week... I spent 2 days in the new Florida store.  Drum roll please.  This is no small undertaking.  Our single Florida store is 80 miles from our home (and requires a small amount of planning in order to make the journey: gas, food, water, coffee, laptop, printer, etc, etc, etc.).  The drive is so long that I had to stop twice for pee breaks.  Truth be told, I was a little nervous about the whole adventure.  But, I really wanted, and needed to do it.  It was very good for my spirit.... talking to customers, and just doing some of the things that were familiar to me felt great.... and the big sale I made this morning was the icing on the cake... I've still got it... the effects of that damn chemo brain are starting to fade.  My husband laughed at me when I said that I was excited to be going to work.  I told him that I feel blessed that I can go to work.... Seriously, I do!  I have loved that I have been able to maintain some of my roles in the business while I battled cancer, but I really missed the people.  Selling is really what I love to do...

So, now what do I do?  I've got 2 whole days left to occupy myself...  I feel a trip to Home Depot coming on.

Mutant-Ninja-Cancer-Fighting Green Stuff; Matcha

Matcha (抹茶^?, pronounced [mat.tɕa]^[1]), also spelled maccha, refers to finely milled or fine powder green tea. The Japanese tea ceremony centers on the preparation, serving, and drinking of matcha. In modern times, matcha has also come to be used to flavour and dye foods such as mochi and soba noodles, green tea ice cream and a variety ofwagashi (Japanese confectionery). Matcha is a fine-ground, powdered, high-quality green tea.

Wouldn't it be fantastic if our physicians were focused not only curing our cancer, but being gentle on our bodies while they're treating our cancer and repairing our bodies after they've cured our cancer?  How great would it be if there was focus on making our bodies strong enough to reject another cancer invasion?   I would be in seventh heaven if my oncologist would look at me and say, "Wait until you see how fantastic this is going to make you feel!"  But, that's not usually the way that these kinds of discussions go with my oncologist.  Usually, I get a laundry list of the horrible things that are going to happen to me. (It's not really a big deal, but your finger nails and more than likely your toe nails are going to look like you've smashed them multiple times with a hammer, and then they're going to attempt to fall off, but only after they've caused you enough grief to make you want to rip your hair out... oh wait, you don't have any hair!)

Well, if my team of super-duper cancer fighting doctors aren't going to tell me how to heal my body, I'll just do it myself.  Woman heal thyself, right?  While I realize that I'm not even close to done with this cancer business, I am done with feeling crappy from chemo.  I haven't taken any part of this cancer business lying down, and I intend to tackle recovery with every bit of "gusto" that I can muster.  (And I intend to play only with things that are only going to make me feel great- and I do not care what color they are!  And yes, before you ask, I know that the drink in my hand looks like sludge, but I can assure you, it tastes great! They can take this feeling crappy BS and give it to somebody else!)

Okay, I'm done ranting for today.  Today's feeling great lesson is about Matcha.  It is a positively beautiful color, stunning really.  Just like the Chlorella, it's a bright green.  (Although the chlorella is more of a vibrant olive green!  Heck anything this darn pretty has to be very beneficial, right?)  So, what is Matcha, and why should it be taking up space in your pantry?   We all know that green tea has been considered beneficial for years,  but Matcha is much more powerful than green tea.  Zen Buddhists like Matcha for it's unique therapeutic properties. Used in Japanese tea ceremonies for years, they believe that drinking this tea is the ultimate path to clarity (who can't use more of that), energy (sign me up) and better health (yes, please).  And while they don't know a whole lot about muscle, they do know a lot about living long, unstressed lives.  The Matcha green tea is one of their secrets.  

This clarity, energy, and better health producing green wonder grows in the dark which makes it 10 times as potent as other green teas.  It's higher in antioxidants, chlorophyll, amino acids, beta-carotene, potassium, Vitamin C and iron.  Here's another quick fact, one cup of matcha tea contains 70 times the antioxidants of a glass of orange juice.  And another one, just in case you're considering an appearance on Jeopardy (don't say I never taught you anything!)...  one cup of Matcha tea has as many antioxidants as 10 cups of regular tea.   (You all remember how important I said antioxidants are in the healing process, right?)

If those little stats aren't enough to make you say, "Where do I buy this pretty green stuff" how about this: it can help prevent aging.  Packed full of vitamins A, C and E it helps to neutralize free radicals to keep cells healthy, maintain DNA integrity, and prevent aging.  (I'm good with that feature...)  It is also a fantastic "Detoxifier"... it helps to expel toxins, heavy metal and hormone disruptors.  (I've definitely got toxins, and hormone disruptors... heck the hormone thing is why I'm in this mess in the 1st place.)

Matcha is also loaded with L-theanine which is a great stress buster.  L-theanine supports the body's physical and psychological stress response by suppressing the sympathetic nervous system.  L-theanine helps to elicit calm, sustained energy which promotes productivity; it's a Natural Energy Supporter.  

A study by the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition found that green tea rich in catechins (which Matcha is), has thermogenic properties and promotes fat oxidation- so yup, it's got some weight loss benefits too.   Another study showed that exercising immediately after consuming Matcha tea resulted in 25% more fat burning during exercise.  And both of those studies suggest that it can enhance both resting metabolic rate and fat burning.  No wonder the Hulk is green!  He must drink a lot of this stuff. (And just for the record, I am making no claims that this stuff won't turn you green!)

And because I am all about saying "Hell, no" to cancer, Matcha has some pretty kick-ass cancer prevention abilities too!  Matcha's rich source of antioxidants, especially EGCG (Epigallocatechin gallate... seriously?), is being studied by scientists for use in cancer prevention and treatment.   Studies support that people who routinely consumed EGCG, had lower incidences of cancer.  The catechins in Matcha are able to break the molecular link between infection and cancer.  Check these facts out:

1. Matcha has therapeutic properties; it has an anti-bacterial, antioxidant and anti-tumor-effect, and is anti-inflammatory.
2. The antioxidant effect of Matcha may result in a reduction of free radicals in cancer patients.
3. The ECGC's in Matcha stimulate healthy cells; they have a positive effect on the chances of survival, increase, viability and division of healthy cells in case of lymph node cancer.
4. The flavonoids in Matcha clean up free radicals and also cause pro-oxidative reactions in tumor cells.

I can only speculate why my oncologist didn't give me a big bowl of Matcha at my 1st appointment, at the very least it should have been mentioned, right?  And why people aren't talking non-stop about Matcha.  1,660,290 people will be diagnosed with cancer just this year alone.   Seriously? As exciting as this whole journey has been, I certainly wouldn't recommend it. 

If you're thinking that you might just need a refreshing smoothie filled with anti-cancer, anti-aging, weight loss, and mental clarity abilities, well here you go:

• A quarter of a cup of berries (raspberries, blueberries or blackberries)
• Half a cup of yogurt
• Half a cup of ice cubes
• A teaspoon of matcha

Preparation:

Blend ingredients together in an electric blender and then pour the mixture into a tall class. It is prerably to drink it immediately after preparation. You can add kiwis, bananas, mangos and flavors of mint or ginger, it is all up to you and your own preferences.

So, there it is in a nutshell... my Friday find: MATCHA!  Check it out, I found tons of resources on the web explaining what Matcha is, what it does, and what to do with it.  

Kicking Chemo Side Effects to the Curb....

Right along with the cancer.

While I feel very fortunate to have experienced what I would consider "limited" side effects from my 6 chemo treatments, there is no denying that chemo took it's effect on my body, it wasn't nice, and I hadn't expected it to be.  But, now that chemo is over with,   I can't help but constantly think about getting it out of my body (and most certainly out of my mind!).  Admittedly, I feel 10 times better than I did 4 weeks ago, and I even feel better today than I did last week, but I've still got a long way to go before I'm back to normal!  Much to my constant disgust, the side effects are still there, they are hanging around like bad pennies, and daily my obsession with getting rid of the lingering effects deepens.  (As soon as I'm done writing this post, I'm going to buy a cucumber and tomorrow, I'm going to detox.... )

And of course, I'm always thinking ahead... Thinking proactively, I am very concerned about side effects of my chemo that may rear their ugly heads at a later date.  After all, the miracle chemotherapy drug, Perjeta, is relatively new, and long-long term side effects may not be as clear as what they are with some of the other chemo drugs that were administered to me.  With that being said, going forward my goal is to create the healthiest "me" possible in order to limit the pains down the road from my chemotherapy and my radiation, and limit my chances of ever going through cancer ever again... because, frankly, it just really hasn't been that much fun!

As I see it, this is a 3 part process:  Improving the actual physical condition of my body, improving  & repairing the condition of my interior organs & blood, and maintaining my overall positive mental health and well being.  (Please hold the comments, folks.  I'm trying to be positive here, and comments about my sanity or my mental health just aren't needed!) However, I need to have a little bit of patience with myself and this process, recovery doesn't happen over night.... damnit, and patience is not my greatest strength!

Unfortunately for me, even though the chemo is over, I've got a few lingering issues that I am intent on remedying in the best manner possible.  Most irritating and concerning at this point is one of the more common side effects of the Taxotere: neuropathy; tingling of the fingers and toes.  This lovely addition to my life started after my 4th treatment and caused a reduction in the amount of Taxotere that I was administered during my last 2 treatments.  However, this pain in the fingers and toes remains even though the chemo has stopped, and I'm really not interested in sitting around waiting for it to just go away- even though the oncologist insists that is exactly what will happen.

The lovely tingling is not my only issue, although it's definitely the most irritating and is constantly on my mind.  My workouts and all of the walking I have been doing, have eased the intensity of the tingling, but it's not going away fast enough for me.  So, I did what I always do when I have a problem I need to solve, and no, I did not call the oncologist.  They always want to write a prescription, and well, I'm just not programmed that way.  So, I got online and started reading- I am a firm believer that for most everything there is a natural solution that does not involve a hundred icky side effects.   What I found will probably be of great interest to my fellow cancer warriors.  (Please keep in mind as you're reading this that one of my goals is to improve my health overall- not necessarily just getting rid of the creepy tingling...)

My big find is Chlorella.  How have I never heard of this before, or was I just not paying attention?  (I'll go with not paying attention.)  Hang with me here for just a second, because before this sounds good, it's going to sound really bad.  Chlorella is an algae.  Yep, you read that correctly.  What caught my attention is the uses for this "algae".  Not only is is used for preventing cancer, but it well known for reducing the side effects of radiation treatments (yes, I've already ordered myself up a bag!).... It can help stimulate the immune system (which we all need after being filled with all of those toxins for so long....) and help to increase white blood cell counts.  In addition to a ton of other things this algae is capable of, it can be used to increase energy and to detoxify the body.  Sounds good, right?  I am all about detoxification at this point.

So, what do you do with this?  Well, you mix it with a smoothie of course....  I am going forward on the theory that what I eat is going to be directly linked to the quality of my blood....  blood has a direct link to my blood vessels and my heart, (which also has potential to be a victim in this whole process.) and to my fingers and toes.  So, really all I need to do here is improve the quality of the blood that's flowing to all parts of my body, and everything should return to normal... (or the new normal anyway.)

One article that I read said I need to "Dance with antioxidants."  Well, I love to dance, so this oughta be fun!  I knew about the wonderful powers of antioxidants, and have been taking a super-food supplement since I finished my  chemo, but now I'm learning even more.  I am on a mission to create greater blood flow, and boost new healthy cell growth.  The powerhouses in this little number are going to be raw cacao, acai berry, blueberries, prunes, pomegranates, kale, brussels sprouts, beets and red peppers.

So, for the next several days before my surgery, I will be dancing with as many antioxidants as I possibly can.  For breakfast this morning, I had a spinach, banana and lemon smoothie.  And, I must say it was positively divine!

Do Not Ignore Your Armpits...

I have very good reason to be very sensitive about odd feelings in my armpits.  Truth be told, I'm a little afraid of them.  It's very easy to go from never thinking about your armpits unless they need shaved or they stink to becoming obsessed with every little twinge, trust me on this.  All of this cancer nonsense started with pain in my armpits, pain that was quickly dismissed as being a pulled muscle.    So now, I pay attention when they start sending me messages, at the very least I put some thought into why they might be acting strange.  The problem with my armpits is that unlike my breasts, they know that no matter how badly they behave, I can't remove them.  Sure, they can take the lymph nodes, but they can't take the armpits.  My breast isn't giving me any of this grief.

I'm trying to be thankful for the positive silver lining in the armpit situation, I really am.  After all, I have not had to shave my armpits in 5 months, and I don't really sweat any more.  (And thanks to radiation, I may never have to shave my armpits ever again!  Talk about a positive!  Who gets this lucky?)  But, I could use a little break here, really I could!

The last few days, my armpits have been screaming- tons of grief from these bad boys.    Not just one side or the other, but both sides.  Yes, they've hurt before through this whole process, but not like this.  (Is it possible that they've gotten word about what's about to happen to them?  Or are they just really mad at me for killing the lymph nodes off with chemo?)  I'm trying to figure out if it's something I should be paying attention to, or ignoring.  I'm thinking it might just have something to do with all of the working out that I've been doing, and nothing to do with this cancer business.  (Imagine that... an event going on in my life and my body that has nothing to do with cancer!  I swear I've reached a new milestone!)  It could have to do with the mad cleaning frenzy that I'm on.... or even the fact that I cut the grass last night (yeah, probably shouldn't have done that, but when the dogs stand on the edge of the porch refusing to move until they just can't hold it any longer because the grass is too high, it's time to act.).

I think the weird, achy, discomfort in my arm pits started after my 2nd or 3rd chemo treatment.  It was a completely different beast than the initial pain (that was dismissed as a pulled muscle).   It wasn't anything super bothersome, but I did ask the oncologist's assistant about it.  She said that it was completely normal to have some tenderness with chemo when the lymph nodes had cancer in them.  (I discovered that when dealing with her, no matter what I told her, she was going to tell me that it was completely normal.  I could have told her that instead of growing back hair on my head, the top of my head was covered in broccoli spears, and she would have said it was normal.)  So, in true superwoman form, I grabbed my cape and put the bothersome tenderness out of my mind.  I can't fly and pay attention to the pain in my stupid armpits at the same time anyway!

Moving forward a few weeks, I have another chemo treatment,  and now the mildly bothersome, tenderness (that I'm still trying to ignore) starts to move down my arm a little bit and I'm having a hard time getting comfortable at night to sleep.  At this point, I decide it's probably a good idea to have a discussion with the oncologist about it, not her assistant.  So, I tackle the wonky feeling in my armpit situation with her.  I wonder as she's talking to me if she really knows why my armpits hurt, because it sounds a lot like she's making it up as she goes.   I can't help but be shocked that no one has ever asked her this question before, surely I am not the 1st cancer patient to experience wonky feelings in her armpits during chemo treatments.  She does get points, however, because she didn't try to tell me that it's normal.  I guess we just have to face the fact that even though we've given these doctors permission to play around with our bodies, that sometimes they just don't know the answers- I'm not sure if this scares me or not...  I really think it does scare me big time.

I was so unconvinced by her response to my question about the armpits, that I don't even remember how she explained it.  She did tell me it was going to be okay, although she didn't mention when, which oddly, made me stop thinking about it once again.  You can thank your chemo brain for that, I've got the attention span of a 3 week old, or someone who's had 16 shots of whiskey.

At my post chemo consultation with my awesome surgeon, the topic of my lymph nodes came up once again.  For some reason, I had become obsessed with knowing how many of my lymph nodes had cancer in them, and would we be able to determine that from the pathology reports after my mastectomy.  I was told that unfortunately, no, we aren't going to know how many lymph nodes had cancer in them because the chemo breaks them down and makes them unrecognizable.  That was not the clinical version of that, just my interpretation of the situation, trust me when I say, it sounded very believable when she said it.   Maybe this is why my armpits hurt?  I haven't a clue.  All I know is, I will not be sad to see this pain in my armpits go away!