Sorry, Charlie- I Just Can't Accept That....

Call it women's intuition.

Call it a gut feeling.

Call it whatever you like, somehow I just knew that removing my axillary lymph nodes was going to be a problem.  As I sat in the office of a very pregnant radiation oncologist at the end of May discussing my concerns about radiation and lymphodema, and she assured me that there was no possible way that I could get lymphodema (because I am too thin, too young, too healthy, not diabetic, not a smoker, too active etc, etc, etc,) I had a gut feeling that she was wrong.  Somehow her instincts, or her gut feelings were a bit skewed by all of the hormones racing through her body.

As I raised concerns several times throughout the whole chemotherapy process about the horrible pain in my lymph nodes, I wondered if they weren't going to continue to be a problem.  But, I was told that pain in my lymph nodes during chemo was "normal".  I questioned the swelling throughout chemo in both my feet, my arms, and my hands.  It was all "normal".  Of course, there is no possible way that I could have had a lymphatic system in distress.... nope, not me.  It was not even up for discussion.

All along, I've had a gut feeling about my lymph nodes. (I really need to learn that my gut is pretty smart, and I should start listening to it on a regular basis, and sooner rather than later.).  I could even honestly admit that I have lost sleep over the swelling in my arms- it has concerned me for a very long time.  Maybe part of it is vanity, but more than that, I did not want to accept the limitations that were going to accompany lymphodema.  All along, my plan has been for a full recovery.  I knew that I was going to have to be extremely careful with my arms and hands.  No more manicures, no cuts, burns, stings, etc. to either one of my arms- any one of those things could cause an infection that would activate lymphodema in my arms.  But, there's even more than that with full blown lymphodema.  Being in the sun for long periods of time is completely out of the question, no hot tubs, no saunas, no jewelry on the affected side, no lifting anything over 15 pounds on the affected side.... and it goes on and on.  No, I was not prepared to deal with lingering problems like these.  These things do not fall under the category of "as good as new"....

Several weeks ago, I noticed that swelling in my left arm did not seem to be subsiding- despite the fact that I was doing the "Lymphodema prevention" exercises 3 or more times per day.   And this was at the 6 week mark from surgery.   My gut told me that there was a problem.  I immediately called the surgeons office and asked for a script to see a specialist.  It took me 3 weeks to get in to see a lymphodema therapist.  In the meantime, I've really been stressing about this.  And I'm probably over-reacting.  The swelling is not even that bad.  Unless you're really looking for it, you can't even tell that my arms are swollen.  But, I know it's there.  And this is not a condition that goes away, well not usually.... (I'm told that in very rare occasions, they have had women whose conditions disappeared several months after surgery, and after treatments have subsided.... so there is still hope!  And my radiation oncologist suspects that this is a combination of post-surgery swelling and swelling from the Herceptin treatments.)  There is also no known cure for this condition.

My therapist says my lymphatic system is definitely not functioning properly, but she is holding out hope, that with treatment, one or two of the little suckers left in my arm pit, will wake the heck up and start doing their jobs.  Yesterday was bad.  She did therapy on me and then proceeded to wrap my arm in 4 layers of stuff.  As I was making another appointment, trying not to look at my huge Michelan man arm, I noticed that my fingers were turning purple.  "MOVE EM!", she said.  I tried, I honestly did.  I wiggled em, and moved em like crazy, but it was getting worse, and the numbness was shooting the whole way up my arm.  So, as I was sitting in traffic, I was ripping off 4 layers of gauze.  I knew that wasn't going to last.

I'm sure it will come as no surprise that I have done a ton of research and reading on lymphodema.  I refuse to accept that this condition cannot be well managed, without huge changes in my every day routines.  (I just can't imagine never being able to soak in a hot tub again, I mean really?)  Actually, while I'm being truthful, I refuse to believe that this condition is really lymphodema and not just some post-surgical swelling with a little bit of a bad reaction to the Herceptin thrown in there just for good measure.  If it were truly lymphodema, the swelling would not subside with elevation... or so I am told.

So what are my options, and what can I do?  Well, if I had a horrible diet filled with tons of sugary and processed foods, I could eliminate those, but I already did that.  Supposedly berries (blueberries, raspberries, blackberries) are very good at stimulating the lymph system (so I've upped the intake of those), potassium is good- enter more bananas.  I have learned how to breath differently, I breath in through my nose while pushing my stomach out, and exhale while contracting my stomach muscles (that took a ton of practice!).... And supposedly one of the best forms of exercise for stimulating the lymphatic system- is jumping on a trampoline.  We did not have one of those.... but I found a very small one (46") that arrived this afternoon.  (I will be enlisting the help of 2 boxer dogs later this evening!)  Hopefully, I will be jumping in no time flat... I think I am gonna enjoy that.

This is what I am up against.  And I would be lying if I said that I am not frustrated with this situation.  I am more frustrated than anything that my physicians (3 of them) cannot seem to agree on what this is.  Are they just unwilling to admit that they were wrong?  Or do they just not know?  Maybe they're unwilling to admit that the Herceptin is so toxic that it's causing this horrible reaction?  I have no idea.  What I do know is that I am unwilling to accept that this is going to alter the way that I live my life.  I did not just go through hell to not be able to do any of the things that I like to do.  I'm just not okay with that... so If I have to jump for 45 minutes a day while sipping on blueberry-raspberry-blackberry-banana juice, breathing in through my nose and pushing out my stomach, and exhaling and sucking it in.... well then SO BE IT!

Rest, Relaxation, and A Complete Meltdown!

I know.  I have been missing in action for more than a week.  But, I have a lot of good excuses.  Seriously, I do.  It's been a very busy 10 days.

The week of August 3rd, Rob and I took the dogs and headed up to the Georgia mountains for a little- oh heck- strike that- A LOT of rest and relaxation.  We had an overabundance of peace, even though his cell phone still worked there.  (I will admit, I had secret thoughts about throwing that damn thing in the creek and pretending that I didn't know anything about it.  Lucy and Duke were no help, they're both past the point of chewing on things that they aren't supposed to be chewing on.  I secretly prayed that a little boxer mischievousness would come over Lucy, but it wasn't meant to be!)

We rented a cabin, in the woods on a creek in Blue Ridge, Georgia.  It was heaven on earth. (Doesn't it just scream come on in and curl up by the fire with a boxer?) And the Georgia mountains are absolutely fabulous.  Nothing but blue sky and tons of green trees for as far as you can possibly see.  I've never been in the Georgia mountains before, so I was completely blown away by how spectacular the skylines really are.  We just don't see miles and miles of green here in Florida.  And there are certainly no hills covered in green trees.  I am a Pennsylvania girl- a country girl- I miss the trees and the amazing hillsides.

We sat on the deck with Lucy & Duke every morning drinking coffee and listening to the creek.  Duke and I ventured down the hill a couple of mornings to collect twigs to build fires at night.  All I wanted was to roast a marshmallow or two, but somehow that never happened (maybe it was the little voice in my head that kept saying a marshmallow does not fall under the category of clean eating!).  The fires did happen, and they were amazing.  What is it about the smell, and the sound of a camp fire that just takes you back?  I guess I grew up around a bonfire, so no matter how far from the country this little girl gets- it will always be a part of me, and something that I enjoy immensely!  I was very happy to see that my fire building skills are still intact!  Yes, I was a Girl Scout.

The dogs were in 7th Heaven, and I was overjoyed to have them with us.  It's always the dogs that make me eager to return home from vacation- I always miss them so much when we're away, so it meant a lot to me to have them on vacation with us.  And Lucy, positively loved playing in the creek. (Duke was only willing to dip a toe in.  Shh... I didn't tell anybody that!) I was so proud of her- she did so well off leash.  Of course, Duke has always done well off leash- he is stuck to his mama like glue no matter where we go!  That boy isn't going anywhere where he can't see me.

I seriously could have stayed in Georgia.   Did you know that Georgia is in the wine business?  We didn't, but they are, and they are very good at it too!  Yes, I'm admitting to the fact that we drank way too much wine in the 5 days we were in Georgia.  We didn't eat any peaches, but we did have a cantaloupe that was as sweet as the ones my Grandad used to grow- that really took me back.  And the day that we bought the cantaloupe would have been his birthday- I think he would have really liked that.  He was always so proud of his melons.

We got home late on Thursday night- you can shorten a 9 hour drive considerably when you go 95 miles per hour.  I was thankful that none of the many state boys along side the road nabbed me, but radar detectors help a lot with that.  Friday was catch up day.  Why is that when I leave for 5 days, there are 30 messages on the voicemail, and 200 faxes that require my immediate attention?  It was just such a switch from the calm that I had just left.  All of the paper made me want to scream.  I would have loved to just stand over the trash can with it and pitch but that would have been a disaster of epic proportions.

Saturday was my birthday day with my 2 best gal pals.  I started the morning off with a trip to the Woodhouse Day Spa.  I had the most heavenly detox wrap.  (Of course, I was seriously in need of being detoxed... between the chemotherapy and all of the wine I drank in Georgia, my body was reeling from the shock!)  We followed our trip to the day spa with a long, girls lunch at Seasons 52, right on the water.  It was beautiful- until a storm of hurricane like proportions moved in and we were stranded.  (I'm guilty, it was all my fault.  I took the convertible thinking it was a great day for a ride with the top down.  And it never fails to rain when I have those kinds of thoughts!)  Lunch was amazing, and I had a blast with the girls.  I felt so spoiled and pampered- and blessed to have 2 friends who went to epic proportions to make me feel incredibly special.

Monday I reported to Florida Hospital for my radiation films- it was the appointment that had hung over my head the entire time I was on vacation.  It was my first time in the big, scary radiation machine.  While the process itself was not intimidating- it was just like getting an x-ray, the marks that they left all over my body really freaked me out.  I didn't know how bad it was until I got home and looked in the mirror to see my entire chest and throat covered in black and red marks.  I guess that up until this point, I just didn't know how much radiation I was going to be getting.  It seriously messed with my head.  I immediately grabbed a washcloth and a bar of soap and started scrubbing, but no matter how much I scrubbed, the image stayed in my mind.  Two days later, it's still there even though most of the marks are gone.

I know in my head that I have to do this if I really want to be sure that the cancer is gone. I know it's the best thing, it's the last step in this whole curing cancer business.  I know there could be nasty little cancer cells floating all through my body right now just looking for a place to grow, I have no way of knowing.  I'm praying that once radiation is over with, that I will have some peace of mind that I'm not going to be battling cancer all over again, but somehow I just don't think that thought is ever going to go away.  I think that once you have cancer, that thought is always a part of you.

They wanted to do my first radiation treatment yesterday.  But, somehow, having my first radiation treatment on my 40th birthday just didn't seem like a good idea.  I wanted no part of it.  So, today, August 13th is my 1st treatment.  When I was there on Monday, they gave me a schedule.  It only has 28 days of treatment on it, I was expecting 33, so I need to ask them today if the plan has changed.  Wouldn't that be a gift?  I'll probably have a melt down if they tell me that they made a mistake, but I'm going to wait and see what they say.

Monday was just too much for me.  For some reason, even with everything else I've been through, that radiation appointment was the one that sent me over the edge.  Maybe it's the fact that I've been so calm through all of this, maybe it was the calm after the storm.  I'm just not sure.  I just know that Monday night I just freaked out.  I'm sure it's sounds crazy that I went the whole way through multiple PET scans, 6 chemotherapy treatments, and a double mastectomy and then I went a little nuts.  I think the last 7 weeks of nothing going on was too much for me.  I probably would have been okay if everything had kept going, but sitting it out for 7 weeks gave me way too much time to think.  And the butcher at the grocery store who helped me find bones for the dogs, was just trying to be kind when he saw the marks all over my chest and throat.  But, his story about his wife's breast cancer returning not once, not twice, but 3 times made the idea of a straight jacket seem comforting.  If that wasn't enough, telling me that she lost her voice compliments of the chemotherapy just sealed the whole deal for me.  I hated to be rude, but I couldn't get away from him fast enough.

I really think that there is some room for improvement in the way that doctors deal with cancer patients post-treatment.  There is a huge disconnect that is challenging even for the toughest warriors.  You go through many months of endless doctors appointments, tests, and treatments, and then all of a sudden, there's nothing to do.  And for them, it's all over, but for the patient, the mind is left to wonder.

Never fear, I am okay today, good even.  My meltdown was something that had to happen.  But now, I am  ready to rock radiation, even if I am a tad nervous.  I will be better once the first treatment is done.  I think the meltdown was good for me- even if my husband thought it was completely insane.  Ironically, I still haven't gotten angry.  Now I am left to wonder if that's going to rear it's ugly head sometime in the near future.

Clean Eating Recipe: Leek & Lemon Linguine

I don't know about you, but in the hot summer months, my appetite seems to disappear.  There's nothing better than a light, refreshing pasta.  This one is a winner with whole wheat linguine, lemons and my favorite, Parmesan cheese.

Happy dining, healthy eating friends.

I GOT MY MOJO BACK!

WORKOUTS HERE I COME..... AGAIN!

Well, I did it.  The day that I have been waiting for the last 6 weeks finally arrived.  Okay, I cheated, but only by 2 days.  Does that really count in the grand scheme of things?  I couldn't wait another darn second.  Every muscle in my body was screaming "WORK ME OUT!".  I couldn't ignore the needs of my muscles right?   For the last 4 days, every single time I would start to do something else, my mind would wander off into workout land.  We have to listen to our bodies, and apparently our minds!

So, last night I suited up.  The anticipation was great.  I had a lot of qualms about working out with tissue expanders, and these two miniature, hard as rock cantaloupes that are attached to my chest... but I trudged forward anyway!  The tissue expanders move, and it just feels funky when they get it in their damn minds to re-situate themselves- no fears, I can nudge em' right back!  (Take that!)  I just knew that I was going to feel so much better after a good, hard workout!  I cannot tell you how I crave normalcy!  I just want to feel normal, look normal, be normal!  (Patience my dear, patience!)  Working out is the only thing that I really have control over- I can't make my hair grow any faster.  I can't make all the goofy, funky feelings in my upper body go away... but I can return most of my body to a normal, strong state.  If this makes me a control freak, than so be it!

It has been my plan all along to return to working out by completing another 21 Day Fix, with a few challengers in tow, just for moral support!  I am actually just 5 pounds away from my pre-chemo weight (heck, that could be the twins adding that 5 pounds!) so I don't have that much more to loose.  Once I'm done with this challenge, I'm on to Piyo for strength and flexibility, but I thought it would be like a little post-mastectomy party to do the 21 Day Fix again!  I have maintained the eating and Shakeology part for the last 6 weeks- but the workouts were restricted.

So, how did it go?  I finished it!  I made it the whole way through. I was tired, sweaty, and extremely weepy by the time I finished.  (Can't really explain the weepy part!) Granted, there were some modifications.  My left side (aka the cancer side) is weaker than my right side- but I'm a right handed girl, so my right side has definitely gotten more use over the last several weeks.  All of the stretching that I have been doing has really paid off.  I have full range of motion on my right side, and am at about 95% on the left.  I was able to do most all of the exercises with weights, although there were a few that just didn't feel quite right after a few tries, so I dropped the weights and finished the set without them.  Don't wanna be injured my 1st day back in the saddle!

Today, I feel great!  I can definitely tell that I worked out yesterday! (Love, love, love that feeling!)  My legs are pretty sore, but the twins seem to be okay!  According to plan, I am supposed to do an upper body workout today, but I think I'm going to do lower body today, and upper tomorrow to give my upper body a rest.  I know that my lower body can take it, but I don't want to over do it on my chest... give the girls a break!  They've been through hell, right?

I have been pretty un-emotional throughout this whole cancer business.  But, that's typical for my personality type.  I'm more likely to push my way through something, and reflect back and be all melancholy about it afterwards than I am to be an emotional train wreck while dealing with it.  I am getting to that point now.  I'm looking back and saying "Holy hell!  What the heck have I just been through?".  Last night, being able to workout again, after recuperating for 6 weeks, I think that's why I got all weepy.  It just hit me what I had been through!  Between that an the adrenaline, it took me a few minutes to compose myself!  And, at least 15 times in the last 24 hours, I've thought to myself, "I am so blessed to be here!".  It's true, I am lucky to be alive!