Take It Back... Or Else

WARNING: THIS POST IS NOT LIKE THE USUAL, FUNNY, WITTY BLOG POSTS THAT I HAVE PREVIOUSLY POSTED.  I'M A LITTLE ANGRY, NOT AT CANCER, BUT AT THE SERIOUS AMOUNTS OF INSENSITIVITY THAT WERE EXPRESSED TO ME THE OTHER DAY, AND I HAVE TO VENT, BECAUSE THE DOCTORS SAY THAT I SHOULD AVOID STRESS AND THAT I SHOULD'T  HOLD THINGS IN, BECAUSE IT ISN'T GOOD FOR ME...  I HAVE COOLED DOWN FOR A FEW DAYS.... HOWEVER, I AM STILL A TAD MAD.

Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but I don't think I am.  Granted, I will admit that I am probably a tad more sensitive than what I was pre-cancer.  I am also probably a hormonal mess (thank you cancer drugs) however, I think it is very insensitive to be critical of the way that other people deal with challenging situations.

In case you've missed any of the saga that has been my life for the last 10 months let me sum it up for you:  I went for what I thought was going to a completely unnecessary mammogram a year ago December 16.  It turned into something completely different.  I was informed by a pimply faced, Doogie Houser type that I definitely had cancer before I could even plant my body in a chair.  All of this was followed by blood work, multiple biopsies, an MRI (that I was sure I wasn't going to live through), another biopsy (that I almost didn't live through), a Pet Scan, Chest x-rays, an echo cardiogram, surgery to install a port... and all of this was before chemo even started.  I had 6 rounds of chemo and spent the next 4 months of my life feeling like I had the flu, A REALLY HORRIFIC FLU.  I lost my hair, my mind, 2 toe nails, and nearly lost 10 fingernails.  My bones hurt so bad that I feared that by the time chemo was over that they would have completely disintegrated.  My hands and feet were swollen and the feeling in them was starting to disappear.  On top of all of this, I couldn't sleep, and food that was good for me tasted like crap.

Just when I was starting to feel like a normal human being again for the 1st time in almost 6 months, it was time for surgery.... Here we go again, right?  We all remember how much fun I had with that.  Can I tell you that I haven't had a decent nights sleep since all of this started (in December of last year, mind you).  Then came the fills and the fun... elephants on your chest, oh yes please!  The elephants had just started to go away when radiation started.  (I'm starting to see a pattern here.  Every time I start to feel normal, the torture starts all over again.)    Almost 6 weeks later, the elephants are back along with sharp, pulling sensations that scream across my chest at least a hundred times a day.  And I know I haven't mentioned it, but I'm so tired!  I am pretty sure that I could sleep for 3 or 4 days without ever waking up.  (I was driving home from somewhere today at noon, and almost fell asleep at a red light- I never know when it's going to hit,!  Not good.)

I've handled all of this pretty well, or at least I think I have, that's what they tell me anyway!  I stared death in the face, yes, I could have died.  I didn't.... and I'm not going to, well at least not any time in the near future.  I've managed to face chemo, surgery, and radiation  with a smile on my face, and a sense of humor that has kept all of my service providers, my family, and my friends entertained for the last 10 months.  I've stayed positive (even though at times it was challenging as hell), and believe me, looked forward to the day when all of this cancer business was over.  I have longed for my "normal" life for the last 10 months, and have done everything "normal" that I have physically been able to do.  The laundry has always been done, the house has always been cleaned, there has always been food in the refrigerator, and I have continued to do all of the purchasing, logistics, payroll and taxes for the business (which I can assure you was not without it's challenges)!

So, when someone tells me 3 days ago that it's time to move on, not "dwell" on it, that everything is back to normal, just because the cancer is gone, I wanted to jump on an airplane and personally choke that "someone".   (Can you seriously be that insensitive?)  Oh, but wait, I can't because I still have radiation, physical therapy, and Herceptin infusions to go to, and I probably won't make it through airport security because I have magnets in my chest.... and I have not yet been cleared to fly, yeah, there's that.  I am so glad that everything is back to normal.

OH
MY
GOSH!

I wish it were that simple.  In a lot of ways, I wish that everything could return to normal, I would probably kill for most everything to be just the way that it was on this day a year ago. Believe me, I never would have chosen this for myself had I been given a choice.  I had hair on my head, I didn't have raging headaches 24/7, and my whole chest didn't scream every time I moved.  I could sleep without waking up every 30 minutes to try to get comfortable. I could go out in the sun without feeling like I was going to pass out. I had toenails.  And most importantly, I wasn't constantly exhausted, out of breath, and trying to figure out what the heck I was doing; I could start a sentence and finish it.  I could snuggle up next to my husband, or my dogs without being in serious amounts of pain. I didn't have to consult with a physician to get approval before jumping on a plane. So while all of that sounds wonderful, instead I will be be finishing radiation, going for yet another PET scan, going back to see the plastic surgeon, finishing physical therapy, having another echo cardiogram, seeing the oncologist, and having another Herceptin infusion.  Just for the record, it's not really what I "want" to be doing, but I don't really have much of a choice.  So, if by finishing out the recommended, and prescribed course of treatment, I am "DWELLING" on cancer, so be it.

 I have accepted that my life will never be like it was before cancer, (and I've grown enough spiritually to accept that), cancer will always be a part of me, of who I am.  I will always have to return to oncologists offices, I will always be getting blood work done, and having pet scans.  While I can't wave a magic wand and make everything "normal" again, I am taking the necessary steps to move towards a "new normal" at the earliest possible moment.

Oh, and one more thing.  Believe me when I say, there is nothing "FREE" about my boob job.  Trust me.

Kicking Chemo Side Effects to the Curb....

Right along with the cancer.

While I feel very fortunate to have experienced what I would consider "limited" side effects from my 6 chemo treatments, there is no denying that chemo took it's effect on my body, it wasn't nice, and I hadn't expected it to be.  But, now that chemo is over with,   I can't help but constantly think about getting it out of my body (and most certainly out of my mind!).  Admittedly, I feel 10 times better than I did 4 weeks ago, and I even feel better today than I did last week, but I've still got a long way to go before I'm back to normal!  Much to my constant disgust, the side effects are still there, they are hanging around like bad pennies, and daily my obsession with getting rid of the lingering effects deepens.  (As soon as I'm done writing this post, I'm going to buy a cucumber and tomorrow, I'm going to detox.... )

And of course, I'm always thinking ahead... Thinking proactively, I am very concerned about side effects of my chemo that may rear their ugly heads at a later date.  After all, the miracle chemotherapy drug, Perjeta, is relatively new, and long-long term side effects may not be as clear as what they are with some of the other chemo drugs that were administered to me.  With that being said, going forward my goal is to create the healthiest "me" possible in order to limit the pains down the road from my chemotherapy and my radiation, and limit my chances of ever going through cancer ever again... because, frankly, it just really hasn't been that much fun!

As I see it, this is a 3 part process:  Improving the actual physical condition of my body, improving  & repairing the condition of my interior organs & blood, and maintaining my overall positive mental health and well being.  (Please hold the comments, folks.  I'm trying to be positive here, and comments about my sanity or my mental health just aren't needed!) However, I need to have a little bit of patience with myself and this process, recovery doesn't happen over night.... damnit, and patience is not my greatest strength!

Unfortunately for me, even though the chemo is over, I've got a few lingering issues that I am intent on remedying in the best manner possible.  Most irritating and concerning at this point is one of the more common side effects of the Taxotere: neuropathy; tingling of the fingers and toes.  This lovely addition to my life started after my 4th treatment and caused a reduction in the amount of Taxotere that I was administered during my last 2 treatments.  However, this pain in the fingers and toes remains even though the chemo has stopped, and I'm really not interested in sitting around waiting for it to just go away- even though the oncologist insists that is exactly what will happen.

The lovely tingling is not my only issue, although it's definitely the most irritating and is constantly on my mind.  My workouts and all of the walking I have been doing, have eased the intensity of the tingling, but it's not going away fast enough for me.  So, I did what I always do when I have a problem I need to solve, and no, I did not call the oncologist.  They always want to write a prescription, and well, I'm just not programmed that way.  So, I got online and started reading- I am a firm believer that for most everything there is a natural solution that does not involve a hundred icky side effects.   What I found will probably be of great interest to my fellow cancer warriors.  (Please keep in mind as you're reading this that one of my goals is to improve my health overall- not necessarily just getting rid of the creepy tingling...)

My big find is Chlorella.  How have I never heard of this before, or was I just not paying attention?  (I'll go with not paying attention.)  Hang with me here for just a second, because before this sounds good, it's going to sound really bad.  Chlorella is an algae.  Yep, you read that correctly.  What caught my attention is the uses for this "algae".  Not only is is used for preventing cancer, but it well known for reducing the side effects of radiation treatments (yes, I've already ordered myself up a bag!).... It can help stimulate the immune system (which we all need after being filled with all of those toxins for so long....) and help to increase white blood cell counts.  In addition to a ton of other things this algae is capable of, it can be used to increase energy and to detoxify the body.  Sounds good, right?  I am all about detoxification at this point.

So, what do you do with this?  Well, you mix it with a smoothie of course....  I am going forward on the theory that what I eat is going to be directly linked to the quality of my blood....  blood has a direct link to my blood vessels and my heart, (which also has potential to be a victim in this whole process.) and to my fingers and toes.  So, really all I need to do here is improve the quality of the blood that's flowing to all parts of my body, and everything should return to normal... (or the new normal anyway.)

One article that I read said I need to "Dance with antioxidants."  Well, I love to dance, so this oughta be fun!  I knew about the wonderful powers of antioxidants, and have been taking a super-food supplement since I finished my  chemo, but now I'm learning even more.  I am on a mission to create greater blood flow, and boost new healthy cell growth.  The powerhouses in this little number are going to be raw cacao, acai berry, blueberries, prunes, pomegranates, kale, brussels sprouts, beets and red peppers.

So, for the next several days before my surgery, I will be dancing with as many antioxidants as I possibly can.  For breakfast this morning, I had a spinach, banana and lemon smoothie.  And, I must say it was positively divine!