Nope, No Way, Ain't Happenin Here!

I realized yesterday as I was pouring my 4th cup of coffee that I am over 1/2 way done with my year of cancer treatment, yet still I am feeling very frustrated.  It's just taking too long!  I should be feeling as if I've accomplished something, right?  The cancer is gone- I no longer have cancer.  But, instead I'm stuck in place that's making me a little crazy.   I am so ready for all of this to be over and done with.  I'm not sure if it's the weird feeling in my chest (thank you little expanders) or the fact that I am on house arrest for another 3 weeks, but I'm experiencing some pretty high levels of attention deficit disorder and dare I say it "anxiety".  (Shh... don't tell the doctor- I'm sure there are pills for that, and I'm sure they would want me to take them!)

The ADD is why I haven't written a blog post in several days, I am completely unable to focus on anything for more than 5 minutes at a time. (And it takes me a heck of a lot longer than 5 minutes to do a blog post!)  The inability to focus on any one thing for any period of time is increasing my frustration because I am usually a very productive, goal oriented person and I can't seem to get anything done.

Nothing would make me happier than to wake up tomorrow morning and have everything be "normal"; with all of my hair back, normal boobs (the kind that don't move around or poke you when you move the wrong way), no tingling in my hands and feet, and well frankly, no more doctors appointments, tests, or infusions, and no restrictions when it comes to working out.  And, just for good measure, I would love it if I could reach the 3rd shelf of my kitchen cabinets without standing on my tippy toes and still wanting to scream!  Ooh, and wait, I'd love if I had my "normal" brain back. (I know, I want a lot right?)   But, I'm not quite there yet, and that is the source of my aggravation at this point.  Can't we speed up the process?  I am really going to have to work on having patience.

I've been told I'm being too hard on myself.  And I probably am.  I'm only 3 weeks post-op (Actually, it's exactly 3 weeks today!) and I've made great strides since surgery.  This is all going to sound funny, but I've had to really work on regaining my ability to do normal, every day activities.   For the 1st several days after surgery, I couldn't lift a cup to my mouth, straws became my best friend.  I couldn't put anything over my head,so all of my shirts had to be button-down.  (I'm not proud to admit this, but all I wanted was to sleep in one of my hubby's soft, comfy t-shirts.  So, I struggled to get it on, and nearly killed myself getting out of it the next morning.  Turns out that on was easier than off!  Thank God there were no video cameras around for that escapade.) I couldn't get dishes out of the cupboards, and I had a hard time putting on my tennis shoes.  All of this has changed- I am almost 100% back to normal in terms of mobility, I can do all of those things now.  My drains are gone, and my incisions are healing nicely.  And I get to go back for another "fill" this week.  (I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be spending my Thursday mornings having my boobs "filled".  Life is just funny like that!)

I'm struggling a bit with my left arm, I've got a ton of tightness down the back of my arm because my axillary nerve was cut to remove the lymph nodes from that arm.  The surgeon told my husband that she had a very hard time getting the nodes out of the left side, and her portion of the surgery actually took longer than expected because of it.  I was warned that my left arm might not ever be 100% and that the numbness might not ever go away. (You have got to be kidding me- are you sure you're looking at the right chart?) But, in the last several days, the tightness has eased, and some, but not all of the feeling has returned. (I still don't have full feeling in my elbow or my armpit, but I hit my elbow off of something this morning, and I definitely felt it.)  I will keep pushing that arm; stretching is the name of the game.  I am not willing to accept that my arm isn't 100%, and I know that I would never be okay with not having that arm be everything it was prior to this stupid cancer business.

So, at this point, there's no where for my frustration to go.  I can only keep myself so busy for so long when I can't really leave the house. I'm not allowed to work out, I can't lift, push, or pull anything over 10 pounds, and I've got a bad case of ADD.  I could cook and bake, but then I would have to eat it, right?   What's a girl to do? (I can tell you that there are 2 boxers that have gotten a ton of cuddles and treats in the last few days!)  If I can focus long enough, I am going to attempt to arm myself with a list of very short-term goals.  Things that I can do in 5 minutes or less, baby stepping it right though my to-do list.  Here's to baby-steps!

Yowza.... Never Felt a Stretch Like This Before

stretch

streCH/

verb

1. 1.

   (of something soft or elastic) be made or be capable of being made longer or wider without tearing or breaking.

   
   
2. 2.

   straighten or extend one's body or a part of one's body to its full length, typically so as to tighten one's muscles or in order to reach something.

I have always enjoyed a good stretch- who doesn't?  Actually, a good, deep stretch is usually one of the first things that I do when I get out of bed in the morning.  It always feels good to wake my muscles and the rest of my body up.  I haven't always done this, but after a few years of living with boxers, and noticing that this is the first thing that they do every morning when they get up, I thought maybe I should be doing it too!  After all, if the boxers have deemed it a necessary part of a morning ritual, shouldn't it be a part of mine too?  (I'm starting to realize that a lot of times, boxers know best!)

Nothing feels better after a great workout than a really deep stretch.  However, over the course of the last few days, stretching has taken on a whole new meaning to me.  When I saw the breast surgeon on Thursday, she gave me a book of stretching exercises that I am supposed to be doing to regain my mobility and prepare my body for the next steps in this journey.  She encouraged me to push myself if I thought that I could, and said that there is no reason why I can't regain full mobility, and quickly too.  That was music to my ears.  What do I need to do? How soon can I start?  I will attack this problem with a vengeance- in true Superwoman form- I will get past this and as quickly as possible.

Who would have thought that after only a few weeks, there could be so much loss of movement?  Who would have thought that I would feel such agony when trying to raise my arms above my head? (Hey, doc, you forgot to mention this part...) You cannot imagine the impact that removing ones breasts and lymph nodes has on the ability to move your arms. (Actually, there is a rumor going around that a lot of my muscle had to be cut in the whole process, which certainly isn't helping the situation!)  Who would have thunk it?   It really frustrates me that I can't get a coffee cup out of the cabinet without assistance, and the only way to close the hatch on the SUV is to grab a shoe and hit the button (my hubby caught me doing this yesterday, and he couldn't help but laugh at me!  But, it's just not funny!)- I can't reach the button.   I've never had a particularly itchy back, but it would figure that this would be the one time in my life when I would find myself with a persistently itchy back- because I most certainly cannot reach it!

I wasn't given a lot of guidance (okay, I really wasn't given any- other than no shower for 48 hours, and empty the drains 2x every day) as to what I could and could not do post-op. There was no mention of stretching exercises, elevating my arms or weight restrictions on what I could pick up.   So, for the first 10 days after surgery, if something hurt or pulled, I stopped doing it.  I wasn't reaching for things because it felt so darn weird, and you guessed it, it hurt.  I didn't lift much of anything, and I spent no time with my arms elevated. Turns out, stretching to get to things probably would have been okay, and I should have been elevating my arms.  At one point, I called the plastic surgeons office and asked if there were exercises that I should be doing, and I was told "no", not until I had seen the surgeon...

So, I find myself a tad bit behind the curve... but I will get back on track!  Every day, going through the exercises just one more time, holding the stretches just a tad longer, reaching just a little further.  I don't hate these stretches because I know they're the key to my freedom and ability to move, but these stretches do not feel like the stretches that I have grown to love for their therapeutic properties.  These stretches feel wicked; they burn, they pull, and they scream! They make me want to cuss like a drunken sailor (which incidentally, I am very good at!)  It's not that they hurt, they don't, but they sure as hell pull in ways that I have never felt before.  My arms, underarms, and chest do not feel the slightest bit normal (I guess this is going to be another one of the "new normal" situations), and I really miss them.  If you really think about it, your arms and your chest probably don't have a lot of feeling to them in a normal situation.  They're just there, functioning, doing their job without a whole lot of fanfare.  Now try to imagine them with all kinds of pulling feelings, burning sensations, and tingling...  That would be what I am pushing to get rid of...

Every day, things get a little easier.  There are still challenges, but I know that every day, something that was challenging the day before, will become less so, so I will push on!  Besides, in just 3 days, hopefully, I will be saying good-bye to my last 2 drain tubes, and getting filled up for the first time... (What has my life come to?  I'm looking forward to being filled up?  What am I, a balloon?)

Go! Get Out of Here and Stay Out!

Today was a day of bittersweet good-byes.  The place where my journey with cancer started, the place where I heard those 3 terrible words (YOU HAVE CANCER) for the first time, also became the place where my cancer ended, because technically, I am now cancer free.

Today I met with my breast surgeon, and her team for the very last time.  I felt like she was breaking up with me as one of the girls handed my envelope of films.  I was told they're a souvenir, and they are, they are a reminder of what I just fought.   She reviewed my amended (yes, there were errors) pathology report and smiled from ear to ear as she told me that she got it all, and that she couldn't have been more pleased with the results of surgery and chemo, checked out my surgery site, gave me a huge hug and then she said to me, "Go!  Get out of here, and stay out!  I don't wanna see you back here!  (One of the things that I really loved about my surgeon was her sassy, kick ass attitude, and it came out again today as we said our good-bye!)  And frankly, as much as I adore Dr. Kemp and her staff, those words were absolute music to my ears.  I couldn't be happier to be here, in this spot, right now!  I've still got a long way to go (there's the boob-less issue to take care of, and the 6 weeks of rads to kill off any pesky lingering cells, and my remaining 9 Herceptin treatments, but after all of this other business, that ain't nothing!)

I also parted with 2 of my drain tubes today.  Those, just for the record, were not bittersweet good-byes.  But for those of you who endure this after me, just know that having drain tubes removed is absolutely, positively nothing- I swear!  (As is my usual protocol before undergoing any type of procedure, I did a Google search yesterday to find out what  I was in for as far as having those tubes removed.  One survivor wrote that it was so bad she couldn't stand it, and recommended that you should take pain pills 1 hour prior to the appointment.  So, I was a tad nervous about how it was going to feel, but I didn't take the pain pills.)  I still have 2 drain tubes to contend with for another week, but on a positive note- I have been cleared for physical therapy type exercises on my arms and shoulders.  While I have a pretty good range of motion right now, there are a few things that are pulling and that feel a little weird.  I'm hoping these exercises take care of that- because when I go back next week, they're going to start inflating me... look out!

The past 10 days have been a little long, and more painful that I was anticipating.  I had to remind myself at least 100 times that this is temporary, and that pain is weakness leaving the body; believe it or not, that really helped me to think of it that way.  I've obviously got more to do to be recovered, but I'm definitely making progress, however slow it may be, and that is what will get me through this!   There were challenges that I wasn't ready for, but then I am not a person who handles slowing down and taking it easy well.  It's just not in my nature to be incapacitated.   But it is definitely in my nature to adapt to whatever situation comes way, and that is how I survived the last 10 days.  And this house arrest bullshit- is going to make me crazy.

However, I made it, and I'm moving on to the next phase... I survived the surgery, and the rather uncomfortable days following it.  And, my sense of humor is still intact... see?  (If I obey the house arrest rules, there may be a lot more pictures like the one on the left!)